1 00:00:37,424 --> 00:00:38,947 So, this is for, uh, 2 00:00:38,990 --> 00:00:40,209 New York Times Magazine? 3 00:00:40,252 --> 00:00:42,385 No. I'm sorry, that... 4 00:00:42,429 --> 00:00:43,995 there... 5 00:00:44,039 --> 00:00:46,346 mm... no, I freelance. 6 00:00:46,389 --> 00:00:47,825 I write for different magazines, 7 00:00:47,869 --> 00:00:49,436 but this is a personal matter. 8 00:00:49,479 --> 00:00:50,785 A personal matter? 9 00:00:50,828 --> 00:00:52,613 Yes, I'm sorry. Is that okay? 10 00:00:52,656 --> 00:00:54,223 No, it's absolutely okay. 11 00:00:54,266 --> 00:00:56,225 May I ask what-what this is regarding and...? 12 00:00:56,268 --> 00:00:59,010 Uh, it's about my son. 13 00:01:00,011 --> 00:01:02,274 Okay. How can I help? 14 00:01:03,275 --> 00:01:05,626 He... 15 00:01:07,628 --> 00:01:11,849 There are moments that I look at him, 16 00:01:11,893 --> 00:01:14,504 this kid that I raised, 17 00:01:14,548 --> 00:01:17,681 who I thought I knew inside and out, 18 00:01:17,725 --> 00:01:20,467 and I wonder who he is. 19 00:01:22,469 --> 00:01:25,210 He's been doing all sorts of drugs, 20 00:01:25,254 --> 00:01:27,299 but he's addicted to crystal meth, 21 00:01:27,343 --> 00:01:32,130 which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of 'em. 22 00:01:32,174 --> 00:01:35,220 And I guess I'm here 23 00:01:35,264 --> 00:01:39,399 because I just want to know... 24 00:01:39,442 --> 00:01:42,227 all that I can about... 25 00:01:42,271 --> 00:01:44,142 all of it. 26 00:01:44,186 --> 00:01:45,970 Know your enemies, right? 27 00:01:46,014 --> 00:01:48,233 So... 28 00:01:50,497 --> 00:01:52,890 My two big questions are, 29 00:01:52,934 --> 00:01:55,545 wh-what is it doing to him, 30 00:01:55,589 --> 00:01:58,940 and what can I do to help him? 31 00:02:56,737 --> 00:02:58,695 Marin General Hospital. How may I help you? 32 00:02:58,739 --> 00:03:02,046 Hi. My son has gone missing, 33 00:03:02,090 --> 00:03:04,788 and I wanted to check to see if he had... 34 00:03:04,832 --> 00:03:06,486 uh, maybe had been brought in 35 00:03:06,529 --> 00:03:09,793 or-or if-if there'd been an accident. 36 00:03:09,837 --> 00:03:12,579 Can I have name and description, sir? 37 00:03:12,622 --> 00:03:14,145 Nicolas Sheff. 38 00:03:14,189 --> 00:03:16,539 S-H-E-F-F. 39 00:03:16,583 --> 00:03:18,149 He is... 40 00:03:18,193 --> 00:03:19,890 18 years old. 41 00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:23,067 He is just over six feet tall. 42 00:03:23,111 --> 00:03:24,808 About 130 pounds. 43 00:03:24,852 --> 00:03:28,029 Maybe less. I-I don't know. Um... 44 00:03:28,072 --> 00:03:30,553 He has shoulder-length brown hair 45 00:03:30,597 --> 00:03:32,686 and green eyes. 46 00:03:32,729 --> 00:03:34,470 Thank you. Please hold. 47 00:03:34,514 --> 00:03:36,559 Okay. 48 00:03:36,603 --> 00:03:38,779 - Mr. Sheff? - Yes. 49 00:03:38,822 --> 00:03:40,955 Uh, there's no one by that name, sir. 50 00:03:40,998 --> 00:03:43,610 Okay. Thank you. 51 00:04:25,129 --> 00:04:27,088 He's been gone for two days. 52 00:04:27,131 --> 00:04:28,742 What do you mean he's gone? 53 00:04:28,785 --> 00:04:30,657 - What's going on? - I don't know. 54 00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:32,093 - I don't know. - Two days? 55 00:04:32,136 --> 00:04:33,616 Why didn't you tell me sooner? 56 00:04:33,660 --> 00:04:35,531 Uh, I didn't want to worry you, I guess. 57 00:04:35,575 --> 00:04:38,012 - I just... - I'm his mother, David. 58 00:04:38,055 --> 00:04:39,927 Didn't you see this coming? 59 00:04:39,970 --> 00:04:41,102 Uh, no. 60 00:04:41,145 --> 00:04:42,364 What? 61 00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,192 No, no, I didn't see it coming. 62 00:04:44,235 --> 00:04:46,281 If I'd seen it coming, I would've done something. 63 00:04:46,324 --> 00:04:48,631 It was just a question, David. Jesus. 64 00:04:48,675 --> 00:04:50,851 I haven't been talking with him a lot lately. 65 00:04:50,894 --> 00:04:53,027 Well, maybe that's why you shouldn't be giving me advice 66 00:04:53,070 --> 00:04:54,463 in parenting, right? 67 00:04:54,506 --> 00:04:56,465 Fuck, Vicki. 68 00:04:56,508 --> 00:04:58,946 Can we just not blame each other right now? That's... 69 00:04:58,989 --> 00:05:00,861 Who's blaming who here? 70 00:05:00,904 --> 00:05:03,080 If I hardly ever see him, it's because he's supposed 71 00:05:03,124 --> 00:05:04,778 to come to I.A. for the holidays 72 00:05:04,821 --> 00:05:06,823 but always finds a reason not to come. 73 00:05:06,867 --> 00:05:09,957 Well, that's not my fault, is it? 74 00:05:45,949 --> 00:05:47,559 Nic. 75 00:05:48,822 --> 00:05:50,998 Here's your little brother. 76 00:05:52,216 --> 00:05:53,304 Tight. 77 00:05:53,348 --> 00:05:54,697 Just support his head. 78 00:06:01,922 --> 00:06:03,880 Hi, Jasper. 79 00:06:03,924 --> 00:06:06,578 Hi, little boy. 80 00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:11,671 This is amazing. 81 00:06:14,674 --> 00:06:16,676 He's sticking his tongue out. 82 00:06:20,897 --> 00:06:23,030 Hi. Nice to meet you. 83 00:06:23,073 --> 00:06:25,032 - Bye. - Bye. 84 00:06:25,075 --> 00:06:26,860 - I'll miss you this summer. - Me, too. 85 00:06:26,903 --> 00:06:28,949 - Okay, write me. - Write me back. 86 00:06:28,992 --> 00:06:30,298 Work on your French. 87 00:06:30,341 --> 00:06:31,691 Oui, madame. 88 00:06:31,734 --> 00:06:32,909 Have a great summer. 89 00:06:32,953 --> 00:06:34,955 And say hi to your mom. 90 00:06:37,174 --> 00:06:40,134 - Everything. - Everything. 91 00:07:46,983 --> 00:07:48,811 Ya! 92 00:07:48,855 --> 00:07:50,682 Come on. 93 00:08:12,139 --> 00:08:13,967 Hey. 94 00:08:14,010 --> 00:08:16,708 - Where have you been? - Yeah, I just need to sleep, 95 00:08:16,752 --> 00:08:18,275 - all right? - What have you been doing? 96 00:08:18,319 --> 00:08:20,147 I just need to sleep, all right? Leave me alone. 97 00:08:21,191 --> 00:08:24,412 Guys, go downstairs. 98 00:08:24,455 --> 00:08:27,110 I'll be there in a minute. 99 00:08:58,359 --> 00:09:00,361 Ow. 100 00:09:10,371 --> 00:09:12,982 Look, man, I'm-I'm, uh... 101 00:09:13,026 --> 00:09:17,421 I'm really sorry, all right? And-and I, uh... 102 00:09:17,465 --> 00:09:19,684 I fucked up, and it was a mistake, but... 103 00:09:19,728 --> 00:09:22,035 it was a one-time mistake, all right? I learned my lesson. 104 00:09:22,078 --> 00:09:25,516 I don't want to go through this shit again, all right? So... 105 00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:26,648 - Let's just go inside. - No. 106 00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:28,128 They're professionals. 107 00:09:28,171 --> 00:09:29,912 Let's just listen to what they have to say. 108 00:09:29,956 --> 00:09:31,696 Look, I'm 18, all right?! You can't force me! 109 00:09:31,740 --> 00:09:33,742 Hey. 110 00:09:35,831 --> 00:09:38,051 This got out of hand, right? 111 00:09:38,094 --> 00:09:39,835 Don't you think? 112 00:09:43,534 --> 00:09:45,536 Come on. 113 00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:48,061 All right. 114 00:09:48,104 --> 00:09:51,891 Okay. Okay. 115 00:09:54,981 --> 00:09:57,505 I'm doing it for you. 116 00:10:25,446 --> 00:10:27,883 He needs treatment. And fast. 117 00:10:27,927 --> 00:10:30,581 There's still a lot of drugs in his system. 118 00:10:30,625 --> 00:10:33,802 And, worst of all, he's in denial. 119 00:10:35,064 --> 00:10:37,284 Um, can you help him? 120 00:10:37,327 --> 00:10:39,503 Oh, yeah. I mean, 121 00:10:39,547 --> 00:10:42,506 a lot of the people here are not here by choice. 122 00:10:42,550 --> 00:10:44,944 And they have just as much chance as anybody. 123 00:10:44,987 --> 00:10:46,946 Okay. 124 00:10:46,989 --> 00:10:49,165 So, we have a free bed. 125 00:10:49,209 --> 00:10:51,951 So, if you want, we can check him in for a 28-day treatment 126 00:10:51,994 --> 00:10:53,822 and then we evaluate. 127 00:10:55,432 --> 00:10:56,956 Um... 128 00:10:56,999 --> 00:10:58,740 what is your success rate? 129 00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:01,003 On the high end, 80%. 130 00:11:01,047 --> 00:11:02,831 On the low end, 131 00:11:02,874 --> 00:11:05,007 25%. 132 00:11:05,051 --> 00:11:07,923 Look, he will have daily consultations 133 00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:10,143 with a staff psychiatrist and physician. 134 00:11:10,186 --> 00:11:14,103 We have daily N.A. and A.A. meetings. 135 00:11:14,147 --> 00:11:16,584 He'll be monitored very closely. 136 00:11:18,194 --> 00:11:20,196 Thank you. 137 00:11:21,197 --> 00:11:23,417 And last page. 138 00:11:24,461 --> 00:11:26,681 Everything. 139 00:11:29,075 --> 00:11:31,512 Everything. 140 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:19,821 Why are you always in this room? 141 00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:22,041 You hardly ever come out of here. 142 00:12:22,084 --> 00:12:23,825 It's like you're a vampire. 143 00:12:25,348 --> 00:12:27,829 I read. 144 00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:30,397 I draw. 145 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,008 You know what we should do? 146 00:12:33,052 --> 00:12:35,054 We should go surfing. 147 00:12:35,097 --> 00:12:36,838 Yeah. 148 00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:38,709 That sound good? 149 00:12:38,753 --> 00:12:41,451 I'm kind of into other things now, you know? 150 00:12:41,495 --> 00:12:45,151 Reading misanthropes and seriously depressed writers. 151 00:12:45,194 --> 00:12:46,761 Oh, come on, they're... 152 00:12:46,804 --> 00:12:48,502 they're kind of great, though, right? 153 00:12:48,545 --> 00:12:49,546 I get it. 154 00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:54,116 It'll pass, though. 155 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,118 It always does. 156 00:12:56,162 --> 00:12:58,033 What does? 157 00:12:58,077 --> 00:13:02,298 The feeling of being alienated and isolated. 158 00:13:02,342 --> 00:13:04,213 Huh, that really helps. 159 00:13:04,257 --> 00:13:06,302 Thanks for the advice, Dad. 160 00:13:07,303 --> 00:13:09,349 Okay. 161 00:13:10,393 --> 00:13:12,787 All right. That was... 162 00:13:12,830 --> 00:13:14,310 That came out wrong. I'm sorry. 163 00:13:14,354 --> 00:13:16,791 Mm-mm. 164 00:13:25,582 --> 00:13:28,150 All right. Your-your idea. 165 00:13:28,194 --> 00:13:30,239 Hey. 166 00:13:31,849 --> 00:13:34,156 Hey, Dad. 167 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:37,290 So, we feel he's made great progress. 168 00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:39,509 - Right, Nic? - Hi. -Hey. 169 00:13:39,553 --> 00:13:41,511 - That's great. - That's great. 170 00:13:41,555 --> 00:13:43,383 So we should maybe talk about the coming weeks, Nic. 171 00:13:43,426 --> 00:13:45,950 Mm. I think I need to... I think I need 172 00:13:45,994 --> 00:13:48,083 a little bit more time in rehab. So if it's... 173 00:13:48,127 --> 00:13:50,390 if it's all right with you guys, I was wondering 174 00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:52,043 if I could stay in the halfway house here. 175 00:13:52,087 --> 00:13:56,526 The halfway house is an open living facility 176 00:13:56,570 --> 00:13:58,528 with follow-up every night, 177 00:13:58,572 --> 00:14:02,053 and we would help him find a job. 178 00:14:02,097 --> 00:14:04,143 Right. I don't want to... 179 00:14:04,186 --> 00:14:06,797 go to college... 180 00:14:06,841 --> 00:14:09,191 - right now. - Oh? 181 00:14:09,235 --> 00:14:12,194 Okay. Uh, um, and do what? 182 00:14:12,238 --> 00:14:15,806 I think I need to be independent. 183 00:14:18,069 --> 00:14:20,724 Dad, I'm telling you, this is... 184 00:14:22,726 --> 00:14:25,251 It's gonna be good. 185 00:14:25,294 --> 00:14:26,861 What is he gonna do, 186 00:14:26,904 --> 00:14:28,515 make coffee for the rest of his life? 187 00:14:28,558 --> 00:14:29,864 You know what, Frederick told me 188 00:14:29,907 --> 00:14:31,866 that they have friends that had a son 189 00:14:31,909 --> 00:14:33,868 that did a four-week program and that wasn't enough 190 00:14:33,911 --> 00:14:36,131 and now he's doing a year program. 191 00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:38,699 I wish you wouldn't talk to everybody about it. 192 00:14:40,614 --> 00:14:42,442 What does that got to do with anything? 193 00:14:42,485 --> 00:14:44,226 To protect Nic. I mean, at some point, 194 00:14:44,270 --> 00:14:46,185 he's gonna want to get on with his life. 195 00:14:46,228 --> 00:14:48,230 And maybe it's best that not everybody knows about this. 196 00:14:48,274 --> 00:14:50,232 Okay. 197 00:14:51,842 --> 00:14:53,801 Can we not make this about me? 198 00:14:53,844 --> 00:14:55,237 Uh... All right. 199 00:14:55,281 --> 00:14:57,631 Look, Nic needs some more time. 200 00:14:57,674 --> 00:14:59,981 And that's fine. 201 00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:01,374 - Okay? - Okay. 202 00:15:01,417 --> 00:15:02,549 Okay? 203 00:15:02,592 --> 00:15:04,203 Yeah, okay. 204 00:15:11,775 --> 00:15:13,473 Shh. 205 00:15:17,303 --> 00:15:18,695 David Sheff. 206 00:15:18,739 --> 00:15:20,219 Hi, Mr. Sheff. 207 00:15:20,262 --> 00:15:22,525 This is Annie Goldblum from the Ohlhoff Center. 208 00:15:22,569 --> 00:15:24,658 Oh, yes. Hi. Hello. 209 00:15:24,701 --> 00:15:26,312 Listen, I am sorry to disturb you, 210 00:15:26,355 --> 00:15:29,184 but I need to inform you about Nic. 211 00:15:29,228 --> 00:15:31,578 Okay. 212 00:15:31,621 --> 00:15:34,189 He left the facility today during free time, 213 00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:37,105 and he hasn't returned since. 214 00:15:38,541 --> 00:15:39,847 I'm sorry, Mr. Sheff, 215 00:15:39,890 --> 00:15:41,370 but please don't despair. 216 00:15:41,414 --> 00:15:43,546 This happens. 217 00:15:43,590 --> 00:15:45,809 But I... 218 00:15:45,853 --> 00:15:48,203 I thought you said he was doing so well. 219 00:15:48,247 --> 00:15:52,251 You should think of this as part of the process. 220 00:15:52,294 --> 00:15:54,601 Relapse is a part of recovery. 221 00:15:54,644 --> 00:15:56,559 Relapse is part of recovery? 222 00:15:56,603 --> 00:15:59,606 Yeah. It-it's a part of Nic's learning process. 223 00:15:59,649 --> 00:16:01,390 Well, uh, that's... 224 00:16:01,434 --> 00:16:04,828 that's like saying crashing is part of pilot training. 225 00:16:04,872 --> 00:16:07,570 Look, he'll be back, and probably really quick. 226 00:16:07,614 --> 00:16:09,442 Do you have somebody out looking for him? 227 00:16:09,485 --> 00:16:11,357 It is not our responsibility 228 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:12,923 once he leaves the facility. 229 00:16:12,967 --> 00:16:14,664 - Okay. - But he is welcome to... 230 00:16:51,266 --> 00:16:53,181 Excuse me. 231 00:16:53,224 --> 00:16:55,662 Have you seen a kid hanging out around here? 232 00:16:55,705 --> 00:16:57,490 - No. - No? 233 00:16:57,533 --> 00:16:59,840 Okay, thank you. 234 00:17:45,581 --> 00:17:47,148 Wow. They don't want to deal with that. 235 00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:48,410 Hey, Dad, you want to smoke this? 236 00:17:48,454 --> 00:17:49,629 Hey, whoa. 237 00:17:49,672 --> 00:17:51,152 Wait. What...? Stop. 238 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,414 - Put that away. - We'll smoke this together. 239 00:17:52,458 --> 00:17:54,068 No, no, no. No. Are you cra... 240 00:17:54,111 --> 00:17:55,722 - That's crazy. - Well, I know you smoke. 241 00:17:55,765 --> 00:17:57,332 - Y... Well, yeah. I... - So let's smoke together. 242 00:17:57,376 --> 00:17:58,942 No, no, no. Occasionally, like... 243 00:17:58,986 --> 00:18:00,683 - Look, let's smoke to... let's smoke together. -Listen. 244 00:18:00,727 --> 00:18:02,729 - Or I could just... You know what? - No, stop it, stop it. 245 00:18:02,772 --> 00:18:03,947 - Stop. Stop. - I'll just light it here a... 246 00:18:03,991 --> 00:18:05,079 You know what? You're right. 247 00:18:05,122 --> 00:18:06,297 I'll just light it here alone. 248 00:18:06,341 --> 00:18:07,864 Don't. Occasionally, 249 00:18:07,908 --> 00:18:09,126 - from time to time... - Yeah? 250 00:18:09,170 --> 00:18:11,085 I will have a hit or two at a party, 251 00:18:11,128 --> 00:18:12,869 but it's been a while, so just... 252 00:18:12,913 --> 00:18:14,393 Oh, okay, so then just smoke... 253 00:18:14,436 --> 00:18:17,047 have-have a celebratory joint with your son. 254 00:18:17,091 --> 00:18:19,702 N-No. God, come on. 255 00:18:19,746 --> 00:18:21,443 No. No, you're amazing. 256 00:18:21,487 --> 00:18:22,966 You got... you applied to six colleges, 257 00:18:23,010 --> 00:18:24,403 you got into all of them? 258 00:18:24,446 --> 00:18:25,534 Yeah. 259 00:18:25,578 --> 00:18:27,580 Stop doubting yourself. 260 00:18:27,623 --> 00:18:29,320 Look at you. 261 00:18:30,452 --> 00:18:32,889 Give me that. Give me that. 262 00:18:36,458 --> 00:18:38,112 What? 263 00:18:38,155 --> 00:18:40,462 Nice-nice hit. That was a good hit. 264 00:18:42,290 --> 00:18:44,727 - What? - Well... 265 00:18:45,772 --> 00:18:49,776 Thank you. This is a nice... 266 00:18:49,819 --> 00:18:51,734 thing to do. 267 00:18:53,780 --> 00:18:56,217 You did a lot of drugs, right? 268 00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:58,045 I, uh... 269 00:18:58,088 --> 00:19:00,264 Yeah, I did my share. 270 00:19:00,308 --> 00:19:01,744 I experimented with some drugs. 271 00:19:01,788 --> 00:19:03,267 I did. 272 00:19:05,792 --> 00:19:07,097 - But not harmless. - What, is this...? 273 00:19:07,141 --> 00:19:08,534 There was a guy, and... No, no. 274 00:19:08,577 --> 00:19:09,752 This is the lecture part? 275 00:19:09,796 --> 00:19:11,493 - Right? - Yes. 276 00:19:11,537 --> 00:19:12,973 Dad, you worry too much, all right? 277 00:19:13,016 --> 00:19:15,062 - Everyone does it. - Just be careful. 278 00:19:15,105 --> 00:19:17,543 It's just a little pot. I'm just partying a little. 279 00:19:17,586 --> 00:19:19,632 It's just... you know, it's just once in a while. 280 00:19:19,675 --> 00:19:21,024 Mm-hmm. 281 00:19:21,068 --> 00:19:23,287 I deserve to party a little now. 282 00:19:23,331 --> 00:19:24,811 - "Deserve to party." - I do. 283 00:19:24,854 --> 00:19:27,901 Look, it just... it takes the edge off things. 284 00:19:27,944 --> 00:19:31,426 It-it... it-it takes the edge off of stupid all-day reality. 285 00:19:33,472 --> 00:19:35,604 Hmm. 286 00:19:35,648 --> 00:19:39,260 What is stupid about reality? 287 00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:41,218 You know, just like... 288 00:19:41,262 --> 00:19:45,179 like daily, stupid things that don't matter. 289 00:19:45,222 --> 00:19:46,659 Okay. 290 00:19:46,702 --> 00:19:48,617 You cannot say dumb shit like that, 291 00:19:48,661 --> 00:19:50,097 or you're gonna start believing it. 292 00:19:50,140 --> 00:19:51,794 Right. 293 00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:23,522 Thanks for bringing that, Karen. 294 00:20:29,310 --> 00:20:31,051 This is my home. 295 00:20:32,748 --> 00:20:34,924 A couple of weeks ago, you told me 296 00:20:34,968 --> 00:20:38,493 that you had only done crystal meth once. 297 00:20:38,537 --> 00:20:41,452 And the story has to be bigger than that, right? 298 00:20:41,496 --> 00:20:43,629 - Mm-hmm. - There's more to it. 299 00:20:43,672 --> 00:20:44,934 Yeah? 300 00:20:44,978 --> 00:20:46,196 David. 301 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:47,371 We need to know. 302 00:20:48,416 --> 00:20:50,331 We need to know. 303 00:20:53,813 --> 00:20:56,206 I think I always liked it. 304 00:20:56,250 --> 00:20:58,295 What? 305 00:20:59,775 --> 00:21:02,604 Anything. Pot, alcohol, 306 00:21:02,648 --> 00:21:05,825 Ecstasy, cocaine, LSD. 307 00:21:07,348 --> 00:21:09,655 And you've been doing all of that 308 00:21:09,698 --> 00:21:11,700 for what... years? 309 00:21:11,744 --> 00:21:13,746 A couple years, yeah. 310 00:21:14,964 --> 00:21:16,444 And crystal meth? 311 00:21:17,793 --> 00:21:19,839 Just a couple months. 312 00:21:21,231 --> 00:21:22,581 Wh-Why? 313 00:21:25,235 --> 00:21:26,236 I don't know. 314 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,282 Um... 315 00:21:33,113 --> 00:21:35,942 When I tried it, I felt... 316 00:21:41,338 --> 00:21:44,777 I felt better than I ever had, so... 317 00:21:44,820 --> 00:21:47,214 I just kept on doing it. 318 00:21:47,257 --> 00:21:50,478 I was worried that you were smoking too much pot. 319 00:21:50,521 --> 00:21:55,004 Meanwhile, you're out doing every drug on the planet? 320 00:21:55,048 --> 00:21:59,095 And hiding it and lying? 321 00:21:59,139 --> 00:22:00,662 Why? 322 00:22:01,924 --> 00:22:03,970 - I don't know. Um... - Why? 323 00:22:04,013 --> 00:22:05,667 - Nic, tell me why. - Ease up. 324 00:22:05,711 --> 00:22:07,843 - I don't know. - I thought we were close. 325 00:22:07,887 --> 00:22:10,150 I thought we were closer than most fathers and sons. 326 00:22:10,193 --> 00:22:12,108 Yeah, I feel like you're always disappointed in me. 327 00:22:12,152 --> 00:22:13,588 You're disappointed I didn't go to college. 328 00:22:13,632 --> 00:22:14,763 Can you blame me?! 329 00:22:14,807 --> 00:22:16,417 Just, uh, not too long ago, 330 00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:18,637 you were reading and you were writing, and you were on 331 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:20,073 the water polo team. 332 00:22:20,116 --> 00:22:21,640 And look at us now. 333 00:22:21,683 --> 00:22:23,163 - Dad... -Can you please stop? - This isn't us. 334 00:22:23,206 --> 00:22:25,295 - This is not who we are. - Just, please, 335 00:22:25,339 --> 00:22:26,993 both of you, stop. 336 00:22:27,036 --> 00:22:29,909 Dad, I'm really sorry about everything. 337 00:22:31,345 --> 00:22:33,521 Dad, I'm so... 338 00:22:36,089 --> 00:22:38,482 I'm really sorry, Dad. 339 00:22:42,356 --> 00:22:44,663 Nic, what you have... 340 00:22:45,838 --> 00:22:48,275 ...you're gonna find it again. 341 00:22:51,017 --> 00:22:54,150 And you're gonna get it back. 342 00:22:56,109 --> 00:22:57,676 Ow, ow, ow. 343 00:23:35,104 --> 00:23:36,976 Nic! 344 00:23:46,855 --> 00:23:48,857 Nic! 345 00:23:50,163 --> 00:23:51,555 Nic! 346 00:23:53,340 --> 00:23:55,037 Nic! 347 00:24:05,439 --> 00:24:07,441 Nic! 348 00:24:21,847 --> 00:24:23,283 Hey, Dad. 349 00:24:23,326 --> 00:24:25,024 Hey. 350 00:24:25,067 --> 00:24:26,677 How's New York? 351 00:24:26,721 --> 00:24:27,896 Fine. Good. 352 00:24:27,940 --> 00:24:29,289 Good interview today. 353 00:24:29,332 --> 00:24:30,725 - Nice. - How are you? 354 00:24:30,769 --> 00:24:33,336 Oh, I'm-I'm doing good. Yeah. 355 00:24:33,380 --> 00:24:34,990 Yeah? You sure? 356 00:24:35,034 --> 00:24:36,818 Yeah. I don't... well... 357 00:24:36,862 --> 00:24:38,602 What? 358 00:24:38,646 --> 00:24:40,213 It's, uh... 359 00:24:40,256 --> 00:24:41,692 What's going on? 360 00:24:41,736 --> 00:24:44,608 Uh, we had this great group session, 361 00:24:44,652 --> 00:24:47,220 and one of the guys here was saying he would do anything 362 00:24:47,263 --> 00:24:49,352 for a chance to go to college, but he can't. 363 00:24:49,396 --> 00:24:51,398 - Okay. -And when we were talking later, he said, 364 00:24:51,441 --> 00:24:53,617 "You could still go to college. Don't be an idiot. 365 00:24:53,661 --> 00:24:55,619 Go to college." 366 00:24:56,882 --> 00:24:58,405 I don't know, it's just crazy. 367 00:24:58,448 --> 00:25:01,451 I realized I don't think I should stay behind. 368 00:25:01,495 --> 00:25:02,670 I love writing. 369 00:25:02,713 --> 00:25:05,238 And I feel like I'm good at it, 370 00:25:05,281 --> 00:25:08,023 and I do it a lot, but... 371 00:25:08,067 --> 00:25:10,896 obviously, there's still a lot 372 00:25:10,939 --> 00:25:13,289 for-for me to learn and... 373 00:25:14,900 --> 00:25:17,119 Anyway, um... 374 00:25:17,163 --> 00:25:19,948 I'd love to give it a go, if... 375 00:25:19,992 --> 00:25:22,821 you know, if it's all right with you guys. 376 00:25:25,693 --> 00:25:29,175 Yeah. I'll talk to Karen and to your mom. 377 00:25:30,219 --> 00:25:32,004 Back here. 378 00:25:55,288 --> 00:25:56,898 Have you met your roommate yet? 379 00:25:56,942 --> 00:25:58,117 Yeah, he seems nice. 380 00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,206 He's just in the hall. 381 00:26:00,249 --> 00:26:01,511 I feel for you, though. 382 00:26:02,948 --> 00:26:04,297 Ouch. 383 00:26:04,340 --> 00:26:05,864 No worries. I'll educate him. 384 00:26:07,691 --> 00:26:09,911 Before you know it, he'll be listening to John Zorn. 385 00:26:09,955 --> 00:26:11,782 Ah. 386 00:26:20,226 --> 00:26:22,141 Well, I better get going. 387 00:26:22,184 --> 00:26:23,533 All right. 388 00:26:35,241 --> 00:26:39,636 - Everything. - Everything. 389 00:26:53,389 --> 00:26:55,087 So, this is a poem 390 00:26:55,130 --> 00:26:56,697 by Charles Bukowski. 391 00:26:58,351 --> 00:27:02,746 Uh, this man saved my life multiple times, so... 392 00:27:02,790 --> 00:27:06,315 "I changed jobs and cities, 393 00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:08,100 "I hated holidays, 394 00:27:08,143 --> 00:27:10,711 "babies, history, 395 00:27:10,754 --> 00:27:14,062 "newspapers, museums, grandmothers, 396 00:27:14,106 --> 00:27:18,066 marriage, movies, spiders..." 397 00:27:18,110 --> 00:27:19,894 I want to see it, I want to see it! Oh! 398 00:27:19,938 --> 00:27:21,243 "...garbagemen, 399 00:27:21,287 --> 00:27:22,549 - "English accents... - Nice. Go, go, go! 400 00:27:22,592 --> 00:27:24,681 "...Spain, France, 401 00:27:24,725 --> 00:27:28,729 "Italy, walnuts and the color orange. 402 00:27:28,772 --> 00:27:34,387 "Algebra angered me, opera sickened me, 403 00:27:34,430 --> 00:27:35,997 "Charlie Chaplin was a fake 404 00:27:36,041 --> 00:27:38,565 and flowers were for pansies." 405 00:27:42,308 --> 00:27:44,310 Thanks. 406 00:28:00,239 --> 00:28:02,981 Come here. 407 00:28:08,595 --> 00:28:10,684 Mm. 408 00:28:10,727 --> 00:28:13,295 Hi. 409 00:28:35,404 --> 00:28:36,927 Where's your bathroom? 410 00:28:36,971 --> 00:28:38,451 Hey, is there a bathroom I can use? 411 00:28:38,494 --> 00:28:39,539 Sure, honey. 412 00:28:39,582 --> 00:28:40,801 I'll show you where it is. 413 00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:42,411 Go right up, to the left. 414 00:29:54,788 --> 00:29:57,138 - Hey, Dad. - Hey, Nic. 415 00:29:57,182 --> 00:29:58,922 How you doing? What's going on? 416 00:29:58,966 --> 00:30:00,359 Oh, no, everything's going great here, yeah. 417 00:30:00,402 --> 00:30:01,838 Oh, hey, thanks for sending the money. 418 00:30:01,882 --> 00:30:03,013 I really appreciate that. 419 00:31:29,665 --> 00:31:32,277 Yeah, you always hog the fondue. 420 00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:34,801 Oh, uh, Patrick and Phil are going hiking tomorrow, 421 00:31:34,844 --> 00:31:37,891 so they'd like us to join them. 422 00:31:42,287 --> 00:31:43,810 Are Jasper and Daisy here, by any...? 423 00:31:43,853 --> 00:31:45,812 - They're not here. - No? 424 00:31:45,855 --> 00:31:47,553 - No. -Oh, they didn't want to see me? 425 00:31:47,596 --> 00:31:50,120 - No, they didn't want to see you. - Oh, that's tough to hear. 426 00:31:50,164 --> 00:31:53,211 Uh, well, I'm gonna just have a seat on this couch 427 00:31:53,254 --> 00:31:54,342 and think about that, huh? 428 00:31:54,386 --> 00:31:55,778 - Oh! - Whoa! Whoa! 429 00:31:55,822 --> 00:31:59,173 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's Daisy! 430 00:31:59,217 --> 00:32:00,783 Oh, Jasper! 431 00:32:00,827 --> 00:32:03,656 Oh, my God, you guys have gotten so much bigger! 432 00:32:03,699 --> 00:32:06,702 Oh! Oh, my God, you're so...! 433 00:32:07,964 --> 00:32:09,662 - Okay. - Denmark, 1632. 434 00:32:09,705 --> 00:32:11,838 - Oh, no. - We... 435 00:32:11,881 --> 00:32:15,972 Like to look back at the history of Hula-Hoops. 436 00:32:16,016 --> 00:32:18,540 So important to, uh, 437 00:32:18,584 --> 00:32:20,890 the culture of peace and wisdom. 438 00:32:20,934 --> 00:32:22,414 Um, a man 439 00:32:22,457 --> 00:32:24,720 - named George... - Hoopulu. 440 00:32:24,764 --> 00:32:27,810 Was, uh... was, uh... 441 00:32:27,854 --> 00:32:29,508 And he thought... 442 00:32:29,551 --> 00:32:32,075 "Well, I'm going to 443 00:32:32,119 --> 00:32:33,686 develop something that I..." 444 00:32:39,213 --> 00:32:40,562 Hey. 445 00:32:40,606 --> 00:32:43,478 Hey. Uh... 446 00:32:43,522 --> 00:32:45,959 Hey. Um... 447 00:32:46,002 --> 00:32:48,918 I was wondering, do you think I could use your car tonight? 448 00:32:48,962 --> 00:32:51,356 'Cause I just... I want to go to a meeting. 449 00:32:51,399 --> 00:32:53,314 Oh. You got a meeting tonight? 450 00:32:53,358 --> 00:32:55,185 Yeah, sure. 451 00:32:58,580 --> 00:32:59,929 Y-You good? 452 00:32:59,973 --> 00:33:01,627 Yeah. I just... 453 00:33:02,889 --> 00:33:04,325 - They're crazy. - Yeah. 454 00:33:04,369 --> 00:33:07,023 They're really excited you're home. 455 00:33:09,069 --> 00:33:11,898 - I mean, I'll see you in the morning, I guess. -Okay. 456 00:33:13,595 --> 00:33:15,554 All right. 457 00:33:38,316 --> 00:33:40,143 Yep! Mm! 458 00:34:02,775 --> 00:34:04,516 Where is it?! 459 00:34:04,559 --> 00:34:06,082 I don't have it! 460 00:34:06,126 --> 00:34:07,606 Where is it?! 461 00:34:07,649 --> 00:34:09,172 I don't have it! 462 00:34:09,216 --> 00:34:11,000 Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. 463 00:34:11,044 --> 00:34:12,698 Where is it?! 464 00:34:12,741 --> 00:34:14,395 - Guys, guys, stop it. - I don't know! 465 00:34:14,439 --> 00:34:16,223 Stop. Calm down. What's going on in here? 466 00:34:16,266 --> 00:34:18,051 She took my money! 467 00:34:18,094 --> 00:34:19,487 I didn't. 468 00:34:19,531 --> 00:34:21,707 Okay, all right. Come on, go downstairs 469 00:34:21,750 --> 00:34:23,448 - and see Mommy, all right? - You took them! 470 00:34:23,491 --> 00:34:25,406 - -Don't, don't, don't. Stop, stop. 471 00:34:25,450 --> 00:34:28,453 - I didn't take it, Daddy. - I know you didn't. All right. 472 00:34:28,496 --> 00:34:31,238 Just go downstairs and have some breakfast. 473 00:34:31,281 --> 00:34:32,370 Hey, what happened? 474 00:34:34,067 --> 00:34:35,416 They're gone. 475 00:34:35,460 --> 00:34:37,940 Okay. Are you sure you had it in there? 476 00:34:37,984 --> 00:34:41,117 - Yeah. I had them yesterday. - Okay. 477 00:34:48,124 --> 00:34:50,126 Jasper's savings disappeared. 478 00:34:52,128 --> 00:34:54,130 Yeah? That's weird. 479 00:34:59,484 --> 00:35:02,443 Did you take his eight dollars? 480 00:35:03,618 --> 00:35:05,098 What? 481 00:35:05,141 --> 00:35:06,404 You heard me. 482 00:35:07,448 --> 00:35:09,189 Why would I? 483 00:35:09,232 --> 00:35:11,974 It disappeared, and somebody has to have done it. 484 00:35:12,018 --> 00:35:13,889 Right, so it's me. 485 00:35:13,933 --> 00:35:16,326 This is fucking ridiculous. 486 00:35:16,370 --> 00:35:19,547 Are you using again? 487 00:35:19,591 --> 00:35:22,376 Am I using again? No. 488 00:35:24,378 --> 00:35:27,120 Are you high right now? 489 00:35:27,163 --> 00:35:28,774 What the f...? No. 490 00:35:28,817 --> 00:35:30,863 - Fuck you. - "Fuck you"? 491 00:35:30,906 --> 00:35:32,386 Don't talk to me that way. 492 00:35:32,430 --> 00:35:33,996 Are you high right now? 493 00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:35,389 No. 494 00:35:35,433 --> 00:35:36,999 You're not using right now? 495 00:35:37,043 --> 00:35:38,436 Are you using? 496 00:35:38,479 --> 00:35:42,135 No, Dad, I'm not fucking high right now! 497 00:35:42,178 --> 00:35:44,180 Okay. 498 00:35:47,532 --> 00:35:50,839 Listen, it was a gamble to send you to college. 499 00:35:50,883 --> 00:35:53,581 Everybody supported it. 500 00:35:53,625 --> 00:35:55,583 I'm glad that you went. 501 00:35:56,758 --> 00:35:59,282 Relapse is a part of rec... 502 00:35:59,326 --> 00:36:01,241 Relapse is part of recovery. 503 00:36:01,284 --> 00:36:05,201 - So we're gonna get... - I better leave. 504 00:36:13,601 --> 00:36:16,082 - David? - Hey. 505 00:36:16,125 --> 00:36:18,867 Just... where-where are you gonna go? 506 00:36:18,911 --> 00:36:21,174 You can't just leave. This is ridiculous. 507 00:36:21,217 --> 00:36:22,828 - Come on. - Will you talk to us? 508 00:36:22,871 --> 00:36:24,786 I mean, really... we just want to talk to you. 509 00:36:24,830 --> 00:36:27,223 Why don't... Try to help us understand. 510 00:36:27,267 --> 00:36:28,921 - Or just let us help you. - All right? 511 00:36:28,964 --> 00:36:30,444 I don't want your fucking help. Don't you understand that? 512 00:36:30,488 --> 00:36:31,837 - No. -No, you don't. Jesus Christ, then what 513 00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:33,186 the fuck is wrong with you, then, huh? 514 00:36:33,229 --> 00:36:34,622 - What the hell is wrong with you people? -Nic. 515 00:36:34,666 --> 00:36:36,145 - No! You fucking suffocate me. - Hey. 516 00:36:36,189 --> 00:36:37,756 - Oh... - You fucking suffocate me! 517 00:36:37,799 --> 00:36:40,236 Whoa, it's us? We're the problem? 518 00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:42,500 No. You know what, you're the one who's doing it! 519 00:36:42,543 --> 00:36:44,240 You're the one who's causing it! 520 00:36:44,284 --> 00:36:46,504 And you're the only one who can stop it! 521 00:36:46,547 --> 00:36:48,506 Fucking solve it! 522 00:37:16,795 --> 00:37:17,839 Fuck! 523 00:37:18,884 --> 00:37:20,407 Fuck! 524 00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:15,914 So, this is for the, uh, 525 00:39:15,957 --> 00:39:17,655 New York Times Magazine? 526 00:39:17,698 --> 00:39:19,439 Oh, no. 527 00:39:19,482 --> 00:39:20,788 I'm a... I-I write. 528 00:39:20,832 --> 00:39:22,355 I freelance for different magazines, 529 00:39:22,398 --> 00:39:25,445 but this is... this is a personal matter. 530 00:39:25,488 --> 00:39:27,708 - A personal matter? - Yes. I'm sorry. 531 00:39:27,752 --> 00:39:29,971 - Is that okay? - Uh, no, it's absolutely okay. 532 00:39:30,015 --> 00:39:31,886 May I ask what-what this is regarding? 533 00:39:31,930 --> 00:39:34,367 Uh, it's about my son. 534 00:39:34,410 --> 00:39:36,412 Okay. 535 00:39:39,415 --> 00:39:42,636 He's been doing all sorts of drugs, 536 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,551 but he's addicted to crystal meth, 537 00:39:44,594 --> 00:39:48,381 which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of them. 538 00:39:48,424 --> 00:39:50,688 And I guess I'm here 539 00:39:50,731 --> 00:39:54,430 because I just want to know all that I can 540 00:39:54,474 --> 00:39:57,433 about all of it. 541 00:39:57,477 --> 00:40:00,001 So, uh, crystal meth, uh, 542 00:40:00,045 --> 00:40:01,916 gives the user a feeling of instant euphoria... 543 00:40:01,960 --> 00:40:04,527 at least, when he takes it. 544 00:40:04,571 --> 00:40:05,746 You know, but when it wears off, 545 00:40:05,790 --> 00:40:07,574 with a depletion of as much as 60% 546 00:40:07,617 --> 00:40:10,533 of the dopamine, the user has to up the doses. 547 00:40:10,577 --> 00:40:14,581 He has to double it, triple it just to feel something, 548 00:40:14,624 --> 00:40:16,757 causing even more nerve damage, 549 00:40:16,801 --> 00:40:20,674 which, uh, increases the compulsion to use. 550 00:40:20,718 --> 00:40:22,241 Horrible cycle. 551 00:40:24,286 --> 00:40:26,462 - What's up? - Hey. 552 00:40:26,506 --> 00:40:29,204 Just doing some research. 553 00:40:56,492 --> 00:40:58,451 Hi. 554 00:41:04,500 --> 00:41:06,589 Are you hungry? 555 00:41:06,633 --> 00:41:09,767 You want to get something? 556 00:41:09,810 --> 00:41:12,421 Most guys just ask me for a blow job. 557 00:41:12,465 --> 00:41:16,034 Oh, no. No, I'm just offering something to eat. 558 00:41:16,077 --> 00:41:18,471 Maybe talk a little, if you're up to it. 559 00:41:18,514 --> 00:41:21,866 Meth changes the brain physically. 560 00:41:21,909 --> 00:41:24,346 Here we see the loss of dopamine receptors 561 00:41:24,390 --> 00:41:26,348 in a meth user's brain. 562 00:41:26,392 --> 00:41:29,961 Now, I'm gonna show you something else here. 563 00:41:30,004 --> 00:41:32,702 Do you see, uh, right here there are these two red, uh... 564 00:41:32,746 --> 00:41:34,313 - large, red spots right here? - Yeah. 565 00:41:34,356 --> 00:41:37,098 Okay, what that shows is hyperactivity in the amygdala. 566 00:41:37,142 --> 00:41:39,057 And the amygdala is a region of the brain 567 00:41:39,100 --> 00:41:41,581 that is linked with anxiety and fear. 568 00:41:41,624 --> 00:41:43,757 Here the amygdala is screaming. 569 00:41:47,500 --> 00:41:49,545 What this shows us 570 00:41:49,589 --> 00:41:51,983 is that there is a biological basis, 571 00:41:52,026 --> 00:41:55,725 uh, that meth users may be unable... 572 00:41:55,769 --> 00:41:57,858 not unwilling, but unable... 573 00:41:57,902 --> 00:42:00,861 to participate in normal treatment programs. 574 00:42:00,905 --> 00:42:02,384 I was in rehab, too. 575 00:42:03,516 --> 00:42:05,039 Three times. 576 00:42:05,083 --> 00:42:07,520 Ran away every time. 577 00:42:07,563 --> 00:42:10,001 Why? 578 00:42:10,044 --> 00:42:12,220 It was hell. 579 00:42:12,264 --> 00:42:14,657 Wanted to die. 580 00:42:14,701 --> 00:42:16,659 Why was it hell? 581 00:42:16,703 --> 00:42:19,532 All that God shit. 582 00:42:19,575 --> 00:42:21,534 Also, you just don't know how good it gets 583 00:42:21,577 --> 00:42:23,536 when it gets good. 584 00:42:23,579 --> 00:42:25,668 It's hard to explain. 585 00:42:25,712 --> 00:42:27,583 Feels like cocaine 586 00:42:27,627 --> 00:42:29,194 but multiplied by, like, a thousand. 587 00:42:29,237 --> 00:42:30,891 Or, like, a million. 588 00:42:30,935 --> 00:42:33,546 What does this mean for Nic? 589 00:42:33,589 --> 00:42:35,548 Look, Mr. Sheff, I... 590 00:42:35,591 --> 00:42:38,507 I don't know who promised you what, 591 00:42:38,551 --> 00:42:42,555 but the success percentage is in the single digits. 592 00:42:44,513 --> 00:42:45,863 Okay. 593 00:42:47,952 --> 00:42:50,737 What about your parents? 594 00:42:50,780 --> 00:42:52,913 What about them? 595 00:42:52,957 --> 00:42:55,785 Don't you think they're worried about you? 596 00:42:55,829 --> 00:42:58,310 Shouldn't you... 597 00:42:58,353 --> 00:43:00,616 let them know that... 598 00:43:00,660 --> 00:43:02,923 They don't care. 599 00:43:02,967 --> 00:43:06,318 Well, I think they do. 600 00:43:07,362 --> 00:43:10,365 What the fuck do you know? 601 00:43:17,155 --> 00:43:19,113 I gotta go. 602 00:43:19,157 --> 00:43:22,334 Oh. Okay. 603 00:43:25,685 --> 00:43:28,253 Thanks. 604 00:43:45,879 --> 00:43:48,664 - Hey! - Hey! Hey, now! 605 00:44:45,721 --> 00:44:47,288 God. 606 00:46:16,160 --> 00:46:18,075 I'm gonna try some Klingon on you. 607 00:46:18,118 --> 00:46:19,206 Ready? 608 00:46:27,823 --> 00:46:29,999 - You know what I said? - May I have a Coca-Cola? 609 00:46:30,043 --> 00:46:31,436 Exactly. 610 00:46:31,479 --> 00:46:33,264 That's it. 611 00:46:33,307 --> 00:46:35,266 That's exactly what I asked. 612 00:46:35,309 --> 00:46:36,745 Can I have a Coca-Cola? 613 00:46:36,789 --> 00:46:38,660 All right. If you ask me in Klingon, 614 00:46:38,704 --> 00:46:40,706 maybe I'll get you a Coke. 615 00:46:58,289 --> 00:47:00,421 Hey. 616 00:47:12,955 --> 00:47:14,914 Oh, wow. 617 00:47:16,350 --> 00:47:18,570 This hasn't changed at all. 618 00:47:18,613 --> 00:47:21,703 This place. 619 00:47:22,835 --> 00:47:24,532 - Hey. - So, how you doing? 620 00:47:24,576 --> 00:47:25,968 I'm doing great. 621 00:47:26,012 --> 00:47:28,188 You know, just, um... 622 00:47:28,232 --> 00:47:30,016 um... 623 00:47:30,059 --> 00:47:32,018 just doing what needs to be done. 624 00:47:33,062 --> 00:47:34,890 What does that mean? 625 00:47:34,934 --> 00:47:38,677 Just being responsible for myself and... 626 00:47:38,720 --> 00:47:40,940 I've quit on my own, you know, so... 627 00:47:40,983 --> 00:47:43,116 I got five days now. 628 00:47:44,726 --> 00:47:46,989 I feel like I'm doing well, but I just need, um... 629 00:47:47,033 --> 00:47:50,167 I just need a few hundred bucks, though. 630 00:47:50,210 --> 00:47:51,907 Nic, I can't give you any money. 631 00:47:53,909 --> 00:47:55,868 Yeah. 632 00:47:55,911 --> 00:47:58,131 Okay. 633 00:47:58,175 --> 00:47:59,872 It's just 200 bucks. I just need, um... 634 00:47:59,915 --> 00:48:01,439 I just need to get some shit together. 635 00:48:01,482 --> 00:48:02,744 I want to go to New York. 636 00:48:02,788 --> 00:48:05,051 - New York? - Yeah. 637 00:48:05,094 --> 00:48:06,922 I need to get out of San Francisco. 638 00:48:06,966 --> 00:48:08,620 There's too many... 639 00:48:08,663 --> 00:48:10,535 All these fucking bad vibes here 640 00:48:10,578 --> 00:48:13,494 all the time. 641 00:48:13,538 --> 00:48:15,409 Yeah, I just need a few hundred bucks. 642 00:48:15,453 --> 00:48:17,803 Why don't we just have lunch and talk? 643 00:48:17,846 --> 00:48:20,371 - We can do that, right? - Mm. 644 00:48:20,414 --> 00:48:21,981 Hmm. 645 00:48:26,377 --> 00:48:29,075 How... how's Karen and, uh... and the kids? 646 00:48:29,118 --> 00:48:32,513 Okay. They ask about you. 647 00:48:32,557 --> 00:48:35,429 It's their step-up next week, and I know they'd love you... 648 00:48:35,473 --> 00:48:37,344 Dad, you're, uh... you're guilt-tripping me, all right? 649 00:48:37,388 --> 00:48:38,867 No, I'm just saying... 650 00:48:38,911 --> 00:48:41,174 I should feel horrible about myself. 651 00:48:42,697 --> 00:48:47,311 I know they wanted you to be there, that's all. 652 00:48:47,354 --> 00:48:49,008 I'm sorry, Dad. 653 00:48:49,051 --> 00:48:52,533 Um... I just need some fucking money, all right? 654 00:48:52,577 --> 00:48:54,013 So please just give me some fucking money. 655 00:48:54,056 --> 00:48:55,319 And then what? Where does this end? 656 00:48:55,362 --> 00:48:56,885 This is... I got to see this one through. 657 00:48:56,929 --> 00:48:58,496 This is kind of working out for me right now. 658 00:48:58,539 --> 00:48:59,801 - I got five days sober. - It doesn't look 659 00:48:59,845 --> 00:49:01,063 like it's working out, Nic. 660 00:49:01,107 --> 00:49:02,239 Oh, it doesn't look like it's working out? 661 00:49:02,282 --> 00:49:03,152 - So what, then, therapy? Huh? -No. 662 00:49:03,196 --> 00:49:04,589 - You can come home. - No. 663 00:49:04,632 --> 00:49:06,068 - That wouldn't... - We'll make it work. Please. 664 00:49:06,112 --> 00:49:07,592 Nic. 665 00:49:08,810 --> 00:49:10,638 Please. 666 00:49:17,428 --> 00:49:19,995 - I've been doing some research. - Been doing fucking research? 667 00:49:20,039 --> 00:49:22,041 - You got to be kidding me, Dad. - No... 668 00:49:22,084 --> 00:49:24,043 You think that you have this under control. 669 00:49:24,086 --> 00:49:27,176 - Mm-hmm. -And I understand how scared you are. 670 00:49:27,220 --> 00:49:29,178 I understand why I do things... it doesn't make me 671 00:49:29,222 --> 00:49:31,703 any different, all right? I'm attracted to craziness. 672 00:49:31,746 --> 00:49:33,705 And you're just embarrassed, 'cause I was, like, you know... 673 00:49:33,748 --> 00:49:34,967 I was, like, this amazing thing, 674 00:49:35,010 --> 00:49:36,925 like, your special creation or something, 675 00:49:36,969 --> 00:49:39,319 - and you don't like who I am now. - Yeah? 676 00:49:39,363 --> 00:49:41,060 - Who are you, Nic? - This is me, Dad. 677 00:49:41,103 --> 00:49:43,105 Here. This is who I am. 678 00:49:50,374 --> 00:49:52,463 You don't like what you see? 679 00:49:58,904 --> 00:50:03,169 You know, the more I think about it... 680 00:50:03,212 --> 00:50:05,432 Mom should've gotten custody. 681 00:50:05,476 --> 00:50:08,000 Because you always gotta be fucking 682 00:50:08,043 --> 00:50:09,871 controlling everything all the time. 683 00:50:09,915 --> 00:50:12,439 You're allowed to be mad at me, Nic. I made mistakes. 684 00:50:12,483 --> 00:50:15,355 I understand that. I wish that I hadn't, but I did. 685 00:50:15,399 --> 00:50:18,184 But, God, what you're saying right now 686 00:50:18,227 --> 00:50:21,230 - doesn't make any sense. - You're doing this right now! 687 00:50:21,274 --> 00:50:22,971 - You're fucking controlling me right now! - It's not you. 688 00:50:23,015 --> 00:50:24,843 It is not you, Nic. It is the drugs talking. 689 00:50:24,886 --> 00:50:26,018 What does that even fucking mean, huh? 690 00:50:26,061 --> 00:50:27,454 Psychological terror. 691 00:50:27,498 --> 00:50:29,021 - It's what addicts do. - What the fuck 692 00:50:29,064 --> 00:50:30,327 are you doing right now, huh? 693 00:50:30,370 --> 00:50:33,242 What is this? What are you doing, huh? 694 00:50:41,294 --> 00:50:43,296 Oh, man. 695 00:50:46,386 --> 00:50:49,346 I didn't want it to go like this. 696 00:50:53,088 --> 00:50:54,655 All right. 697 00:50:54,699 --> 00:50:56,353 I should go, Dad. 698 00:51:01,140 --> 00:51:03,751 - Let me... let me book you a room. - No, Dad. 699 00:51:03,795 --> 00:51:06,493 - At a hotel for a couple of nights. - No. Dad... 700 00:51:06,537 --> 00:51:09,757 - Why don't we just go get some food? - Dad, I should go. 701 00:51:11,324 --> 00:51:12,586 Can you say good-bye, at least? 702 00:51:12,630 --> 00:51:14,153 Bye, Dad. 703 00:51:25,904 --> 00:51:27,862 Where does he sleep? 704 00:51:27,906 --> 00:51:30,430 Um, don't worry about that, sweetie. 705 00:51:30,474 --> 00:51:31,605 He's fine. 706 00:51:36,654 --> 00:51:39,047 Um... 707 00:51:39,091 --> 00:51:41,876 maybe he has a friend and he sleeps there. 708 00:51:41,920 --> 00:51:45,619 Mm-hmm. Yeah. Maybe. - Dolphin. 709 00:51:45,663 --> 00:51:47,404 - Hope so. - Need "E." 710 00:51:47,447 --> 00:51:48,796 Elephant. 711 00:51:48,840 --> 00:51:50,972 - Can I call him? - Hmm. 712 00:51:51,016 --> 00:51:52,757 No. I tried. 713 00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:55,847 - His phone's disconnected. - Can I send him a message? 714 00:51:55,890 --> 00:52:00,199 Maybe he'll get lonely and turn his phone back on? 715 00:52:00,242 --> 00:52:02,636 That's a good idea. 716 00:52:02,680 --> 00:52:04,638 Yeah. Let's try that. 717 00:52:58,779 --> 00:53:00,477 Dave. 718 00:53:00,520 --> 00:53:02,827 - Yeah? - Okay. Let's go. 719 00:53:06,570 --> 00:53:08,528 Hey, Dave, close your eyes. 720 00:53:08,572 --> 00:53:10,095 Okay. 721 00:53:13,577 --> 00:53:15,535 And... open 'em! 722 00:53:16,884 --> 00:53:18,582 Oh. Wow. 723 00:53:18,625 --> 00:53:20,018 Wow! 724 00:54:18,250 --> 00:54:19,947 Hello? 725 00:54:19,991 --> 00:54:22,776 This is Julie Ford at the Bellevue Hospital in New York. 726 00:54:22,820 --> 00:54:24,648 Is Nic Sheff your son? 727 00:54:28,216 --> 00:54:29,740 Uh, Mr. Sheff, 728 00:54:29,783 --> 00:54:32,220 I'm sorry we missed each other earlier. 729 00:54:32,264 --> 00:54:35,397 So, Nic is still experiencing some respiratory depression, 730 00:54:35,441 --> 00:54:37,312 but his vital signs are returning. 731 00:54:37,356 --> 00:54:39,706 Sir, we're ready for departure. 732 00:54:39,750 --> 00:54:41,229 Okay, okay. 733 00:54:41,273 --> 00:54:43,884 Um... may I talk to him? 734 00:54:43,928 --> 00:54:46,321 - No, that won't be possible. - Sir, I need you to turn off 735 00:54:46,365 --> 00:54:47,975 - the phone. -Believe me, we shouldn't wake him up. 736 00:54:48,019 --> 00:54:49,890 - Mm-hmm. -Try again in a few hours, though, okay? 737 00:54:49,934 --> 00:54:52,893 - Okay. Uh, would you let him know that... -Sir. Sir. 738 00:54:52,937 --> 00:54:56,331 - Please. -Would you please let him know that I'm on my way? 739 00:55:04,731 --> 00:55:05,906 He checked out. 740 00:55:05,950 --> 00:55:07,168 What? 741 00:55:07,212 --> 00:55:08,648 Against doctor's orders. 742 00:55:08,692 --> 00:55:10,737 - No, no, he O.D.'d. - I'm sorry, sir. 743 00:55:10,781 --> 00:55:13,087 He pulled out the I.V. and catheter, and left. 744 00:55:13,131 --> 00:55:14,523 How long ago? 745 00:55:14,567 --> 00:55:17,004 Ten to 15 minutes. 746 00:55:17,048 --> 00:55:19,441 I'm sorry, sir. 747 00:55:43,117 --> 00:55:45,076 Yes. 748 00:56:05,749 --> 00:56:07,794 Look, I've thought about it, 749 00:56:07,838 --> 00:56:09,709 and I'm done with drugs. 750 00:56:09,753 --> 00:56:11,842 This is it. 751 00:56:14,235 --> 00:56:16,629 I'm telling you, Dad. 752 00:56:16,673 --> 00:56:18,631 I'm done. 753 00:56:28,815 --> 00:56:31,209 And how would that work? 754 00:56:31,252 --> 00:56:34,734 I mean, after what just happened. 755 00:56:49,967 --> 00:56:52,099 Now, if you're in the area, 756 00:56:52,143 --> 00:56:53,710 evacuation orders and details, 757 00:56:53,753 --> 00:56:56,016 including relocation centers, can be found on... 758 00:56:56,060 --> 00:56:58,410 So, at 3:00, we have a conference call 759 00:56:58,453 --> 00:57:00,020 with the intake people in Mississippi. 760 00:57:00,064 --> 00:57:01,369 That's all for now. 761 00:57:01,413 --> 00:57:03,023 3:30, the one in New Mexico. 762 00:57:03,067 --> 00:57:05,025 And 4:00, the one in Oregon. 763 00:57:05,069 --> 00:57:07,767 I did some research on the one in New Mexico. 764 00:57:07,811 --> 00:57:11,118 Mm-hmm. - They charge $40,000 a month. 765 00:57:11,162 --> 00:57:12,729 You know, it's not even that well rated. 766 00:57:12,772 --> 00:57:14,818 We'll just skip that one. 767 00:57:14,861 --> 00:57:17,603 Listen, if a spot opens up here in Los Angeles, 768 00:57:17,646 --> 00:57:19,823 maybe that's the best solution for now. 769 00:57:19,866 --> 00:57:22,826 - I'll hear back from them in an hour. -Mm. 770 00:57:24,088 --> 00:57:26,046 Give it a rest, David. 771 00:57:26,090 --> 00:57:28,222 Why don't you let me take over for now? 772 00:57:33,575 --> 00:57:35,099 Mm. 773 00:57:35,142 --> 00:57:36,927 Dad? 774 00:57:36,970 --> 00:57:38,755 Yeah. 775 00:57:38,798 --> 00:57:42,715 Will you check on me every 15 minutes? 776 00:57:42,759 --> 00:57:45,109 Yes. 777 00:58:22,668 --> 00:58:24,975 Do you want to bring one of your dinosaurs, too? 778 00:58:28,065 --> 00:58:29,849 How about a book? 779 00:58:31,546 --> 00:58:34,071 No? Okay. 780 00:58:41,600 --> 00:58:43,297 Hey. Hey. 781 00:58:45,604 --> 00:58:47,693 Can I have a hug? 782 00:58:47,736 --> 00:58:48,781 No? 783 00:58:48,825 --> 00:58:50,348 Why not? 784 00:58:50,391 --> 00:58:52,872 Are you mad at me? 785 00:58:52,916 --> 00:58:55,048 'Cause you have to go? 786 00:58:56,049 --> 00:58:57,703 Okay. 787 00:58:57,746 --> 00:59:01,576 Well... you'll be happy to see Mommy, though, right? 788 00:59:03,622 --> 00:59:05,580 I want you to know something. 789 00:59:05,624 --> 00:59:08,018 When you come back, I'm gonna be here... 790 00:59:08,061 --> 00:59:11,151 right... I'm gonna be right here for you. 791 00:59:11,195 --> 00:59:12,936 Okay? 792 00:59:12,979 --> 00:59:16,156 And call me when you miss me, and I'll call you. 793 00:59:17,418 --> 00:59:19,856 Do you know how much I love you? 794 00:59:26,819 --> 00:59:30,954 If you could take all the words in the language, 795 00:59:30,997 --> 00:59:34,131 it still wouldn't describe how much I love you. 796 00:59:34,174 --> 00:59:37,395 And if you could gather all those words together, 797 00:59:37,438 --> 00:59:40,180 it still wouldn't describe what I feel for you. 798 00:59:40,224 --> 00:59:43,183 What I feel for you is everything. 799 00:59:45,011 --> 00:59:47,884 I love you more than everything. 800 00:59:49,581 --> 00:59:51,931 Everything? 801 00:59:51,975 --> 00:59:53,628 Yeah, everything. 802 01:00:25,791 --> 01:00:27,793 Hey. 803 01:00:27,836 --> 01:00:30,013 That's my mom. 804 01:00:30,056 --> 01:00:33,016 I'm really glad you came to I.A. 805 01:00:33,059 --> 01:00:34,931 You know that, right? 806 01:00:40,806 --> 01:00:42,982 You just don't know what it is to be... 807 01:00:43,026 --> 01:00:44,984 - Please don't do this, Mom. - Okay. 808 01:00:45,028 --> 01:00:47,204 I'm sorry. Okay. 809 01:00:53,862 --> 01:00:56,474 All I could think about was you. 810 01:01:01,479 --> 01:01:04,830 I know this must sound meaningless, but I'm sorry. 811 01:01:08,355 --> 01:01:10,575 I'm-I'm sorry. 812 01:01:12,055 --> 01:01:13,708 Oh, Nicky. 813 01:01:19,453 --> 01:01:21,978 You are such a darling. 814 01:01:22,021 --> 01:01:23,980 You know that, right? 815 01:01:28,332 --> 01:01:30,464 Whew. 816 01:01:44,522 --> 01:01:46,480 Hey, come on, old man! 817 01:01:46,524 --> 01:01:48,743 - You're being so disrespectful. - I'm not being disrespectful. 818 01:01:48,787 --> 01:01:51,050 You're being so disrespectful. 819 01:01:53,096 --> 01:01:54,706 - I'm coming for you! - Oh, motherfucker! 820 01:01:54,749 --> 01:01:57,665 Uh-huh. You about to look at my ass, baby! 821 01:01:57,709 --> 01:01:59,972 You about to look at my ass! 822 01:02:08,720 --> 01:02:10,374 Fuck. 823 01:02:33,484 --> 01:02:34,963 That's what I get for helping. 824 01:02:35,007 --> 01:02:36,791 Why'd you pull that hard? 825 01:02:36,835 --> 01:02:39,185 - I'm sorry. - Why do you hate me? 826 01:02:54,896 --> 01:02:56,898 How does this feel? 827 01:03:01,164 --> 01:03:04,428 Like I'm a real human being. 828 01:03:12,392 --> 01:03:15,961 One day, I tried methamphetamine... 829 01:03:16,004 --> 01:03:18,442 Yeah. That felt good. 830 01:03:18,485 --> 01:03:20,966 ...and I thought, 831 01:03:21,009 --> 01:03:23,403 "This is what's been missing." 832 01:03:23,447 --> 01:03:26,102 I felt complete. 833 01:03:26,145 --> 01:03:28,147 Today's a good day. 834 01:03:28,191 --> 01:03:31,019 Yeah, I've been chasing that high 835 01:03:31,063 --> 01:03:33,021 ever since. 836 01:03:33,065 --> 01:03:35,023 No matter... 837 01:03:35,067 --> 01:03:37,025 how much meth... 838 01:03:37,069 --> 01:03:40,986 or whatever else I can find to shoot up into my body... 839 01:03:41,029 --> 01:03:43,467 I do, it's never enough. 840 01:03:46,774 --> 01:03:50,169 And I went to a couple of rehabs, 841 01:03:50,213 --> 01:03:51,779 I detoxed, 842 01:03:51,823 --> 01:03:54,565 they would talk about disease, sure, 843 01:03:54,608 --> 01:03:56,175 but... 844 01:03:56,219 --> 01:03:57,916 it never clicked. 845 01:04:00,788 --> 01:04:05,010 Until one day I woke up in a hospital 846 01:04:05,053 --> 01:04:08,318 and someone asked me, 847 01:04:08,361 --> 01:04:10,798 "What's your problem?" 848 01:04:13,627 --> 01:04:16,848 And I said, "I'm an alcoholic and an addict." 849 01:04:16,891 --> 01:04:18,676 And he said... 850 01:04:18,719 --> 01:04:21,896 "No, that's how you've been treating your problem." 851 01:04:21,940 --> 01:04:23,898 Mm-hmm. - That's right. 852 01:04:23,942 --> 01:04:27,337 I know now I need to find a way 853 01:04:27,380 --> 01:04:30,644 to fill this... 854 01:04:30,688 --> 01:04:32,777 big... 855 01:04:32,820 --> 01:04:35,083 black hole in me. 856 01:04:39,305 --> 01:04:41,177 Anyway, so... 857 01:04:41,220 --> 01:04:44,310 I'm 14 months clean. 858 01:04:44,354 --> 01:04:46,530 I have a job at a rehab. 859 01:04:48,053 --> 01:04:50,316 It's fulfilling to help other people get sober. 860 01:04:52,840 --> 01:04:56,017 I have a sponsor, Spencer. 861 01:04:56,061 --> 01:04:58,890 Shows me how great my life can be sober. 862 01:05:00,326 --> 01:05:02,720 And, um, I still have family. 863 01:05:04,722 --> 01:05:07,507 My mom's been amazing. 864 01:05:07,551 --> 01:05:10,380 My dad's been amazing, too. 865 01:05:16,255 --> 01:05:18,562 I want them to be proud of me. 866 01:05:57,862 --> 01:06:00,517 You all right? 867 01:06:00,560 --> 01:06:02,693 What's wrong? You nervous? 868 01:06:02,736 --> 01:06:03,998 Yeah. 869 01:06:10,657 --> 01:06:12,920 Thank you for marrying me. 870 01:06:14,313 --> 01:06:16,315 Thank you for being a perfect partner 871 01:06:16,359 --> 01:06:18,361 in an imperfect world. 872 01:06:20,101 --> 01:06:22,843 Thank you for introducing me to your amazing son. 873 01:06:24,976 --> 01:06:26,934 Uh, I'm here for you, 874 01:06:26,978 --> 01:06:28,284 and I'm here to stay. 875 01:06:28,327 --> 01:06:30,373 Karen, thank you... 876 01:06:30,416 --> 01:06:32,418 for loving me. 877 01:06:33,724 --> 01:06:35,465 And thank you for loving him. 878 01:06:45,518 --> 01:06:47,999 Looks him square in the eye, and he says, "Superman..." 879 01:06:51,481 --> 01:06:53,004 Perfect. 880 01:07:12,937 --> 01:07:14,895 - Hey, good to see you. - Good to see you. 881 01:07:14,939 --> 01:07:17,376 Hey, Daisy. Hey, Daisy! 882 01:07:20,684 --> 01:07:22,425 Hey, Jazzy Jeff. 883 01:07:22,468 --> 01:07:24,470 What's going on, man? 884 01:07:24,514 --> 01:07:26,080 Hey, man, I miss you more 885 01:07:26,124 --> 01:07:29,127 than the sun misses the moon at night. 886 01:07:29,170 --> 01:07:31,129 Mm. 887 01:07:32,652 --> 01:07:34,480 - Hey, Karen. - Hey. 888 01:07:39,790 --> 01:07:41,922 Thank you for inviting me. 889 01:07:41,966 --> 01:07:43,576 Seriously. 890 01:08:13,650 --> 01:08:15,869 Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! 891 01:08:15,913 --> 01:08:17,349 Go, Daisy! 892 01:08:17,393 --> 01:08:18,916 Hey, honey. 893 01:08:22,615 --> 01:08:24,487 Go, Daisy, go! 894 01:08:34,192 --> 01:08:36,542 Nice. 895 01:08:39,240 --> 01:08:41,895 Oh! Ah, you! 896 01:08:41,939 --> 01:08:43,767 It's Daisy! 897 01:08:46,465 --> 01:08:48,032 Whoa! 898 01:08:56,301 --> 01:08:58,259 "If the marker is depleted 899 01:08:58,303 --> 01:09:00,218 "in meth addicts' brains, 900 01:09:00,261 --> 01:09:02,960 "it's likely there is a loss of nerve terminals 901 01:09:03,003 --> 01:09:05,484 "and the brain damage is irreversible. 902 01:09:05,528 --> 01:09:07,965 "However, when I tested for VMAT2, 903 01:09:08,008 --> 01:09:11,011 - I found normal levels." - So that's optimistic. 904 01:09:11,055 --> 01:09:13,536 - Normal levels is optimistic, yeah. - It's... 905 01:09:13,579 --> 01:09:14,972 - It is. - Okay. 906 01:09:15,015 --> 01:09:16,539 - No. I'm not... - I was just checking. 907 01:09:16,582 --> 01:09:18,062 - No, no, that's good. - Okay. 908 01:09:18,105 --> 01:09:19,367 Basically... 909 01:09:19,411 --> 01:09:20,717 the fried... 910 01:09:20,760 --> 01:09:22,762 Nic's fried nerve endings 911 01:09:22,806 --> 01:09:25,243 can grow back. 912 01:09:25,286 --> 01:09:27,463 They say it can take two years, but... 913 01:09:27,506 --> 01:09:29,682 - Two years? - Yeah. 914 01:09:29,726 --> 01:09:32,250 But that's great, David. 915 01:09:41,564 --> 01:09:44,262 - Hey. - Hey. 916 01:09:44,305 --> 01:09:47,395 - You're kind of late. - Yeah. It was a great meeting, 917 01:09:47,439 --> 01:09:49,572 and after, we went to the speaker's house 918 01:09:49,615 --> 01:09:51,530 and watched a video and... 919 01:09:51,574 --> 01:09:55,534 saw my sober sponsee bros earlier, so... 920 01:09:55,578 --> 01:09:57,580 No phone? 921 01:09:57,623 --> 01:09:59,625 Oh, my cell was dead. 922 01:10:02,498 --> 01:10:05,718 Would you be okay to do a drug test? 923 01:10:06,763 --> 01:10:08,982 Yeah, I mean, sure. 924 01:10:09,026 --> 01:10:10,549 Okay. 925 01:10:27,958 --> 01:10:30,569 You understand why, right? 926 01:10:30,613 --> 01:10:34,921 Yeah. I mean, I should've called to let you know, so... 927 01:10:34,965 --> 01:10:38,838 I trust you... we just need to have some sort of proof. 928 01:10:42,625 --> 01:10:45,192 That's about as contradictory as it gets. 929 01:10:45,236 --> 01:10:47,543 - But... - I know. I know. 930 01:10:49,632 --> 01:10:51,808 I'll do it. No worries. 931 01:10:51,851 --> 01:10:54,201 Nothing to hide. 932 01:10:55,246 --> 01:10:56,682 Okay. 933 01:10:58,989 --> 01:11:01,557 Hey, you're doing great. 934 01:11:03,036 --> 01:11:04,864 You really are. 935 01:11:04,908 --> 01:11:07,911 By my count, 485 days clean. 936 01:11:07,954 --> 01:11:10,043 Wow. Come on, that's... 937 01:11:13,960 --> 01:11:16,746 I'll just leave it in the bathroom, right? Okay. 938 01:11:17,790 --> 01:11:19,357 All right. 939 01:11:19,400 --> 01:11:21,359 - Good night, Dad. - Good night. 940 01:11:21,402 --> 01:11:23,491 - I love you. - I love you, too. 941 01:11:54,914 --> 01:11:56,873 - All right, Jasper, you ready? - Yep. 942 01:11:56,916 --> 01:11:59,049 Let's go, let's go, let's go. 943 01:11:59,092 --> 01:12:01,268 Hey. No, no, no, wait. 944 01:12:01,312 --> 01:12:04,445 - Jasper, I don't want you to go out there. -What? 945 01:12:04,489 --> 01:12:06,230 Mom, we won't go far, I swear! 946 01:12:06,273 --> 01:12:08,058 The waves are too big. It's too dangerous. 947 01:12:08,101 --> 01:12:09,276 But I am a great swimmer. 948 01:12:09,320 --> 01:12:10,582 I've been in waves way bigger than this. 949 01:12:10,626 --> 01:12:12,497 Yes, I know that, but I don't want you to... 950 01:12:12,540 --> 01:12:14,020 - Yeah, I'll stay close. - Nic will stay close, 951 01:12:14,064 --> 01:12:16,675 you see? 952 01:12:16,719 --> 01:12:18,416 Karen, I'm gonna stay... 953 01:12:18,459 --> 01:12:20,331 - I'll stay close. - Nic can go in. 954 01:12:20,374 --> 01:12:21,506 That's fine. You, no. 955 01:12:21,549 --> 01:12:23,421 And that is final. 956 01:12:23,464 --> 01:12:24,901 We'll see about that. 957 01:12:24,944 --> 01:12:27,643 - Hey! - Okay. It's fine. 958 01:12:27,686 --> 01:12:29,949 It's fine. 959 01:12:38,479 --> 01:12:40,438 Should we just play a game instead? 960 01:12:40,481 --> 01:12:42,701 - Uh... - Yeah? 961 01:12:45,138 --> 01:12:47,401 Are you a hurfboard? 962 01:12:47,445 --> 01:12:49,795 - No. - No? 963 01:12:49,839 --> 01:12:51,797 Are you a hicycle? 964 01:12:51,841 --> 01:12:53,669 - No. - No? 965 01:12:53,712 --> 01:12:55,975 Okay. Uh, are you edible? 966 01:12:56,019 --> 01:12:57,542 Not really. 967 01:12:57,585 --> 01:12:59,675 - Not really? - Not really. 968 01:12:59,718 --> 01:13:01,241 So, sort of. 969 01:13:01,285 --> 01:13:03,504 So, um... 970 01:13:03,548 --> 01:13:05,289 are you a house? 971 01:13:05,332 --> 01:13:08,422 Yes. How did you know? 972 01:13:08,466 --> 01:13:10,163 You know, 973 01:13:10,207 --> 01:13:12,600 I can read your mind. 974 01:13:12,644 --> 01:13:15,429 - Ooh... - Ooh... 975 01:13:16,648 --> 01:13:18,432 I know you're a great swimmer. 976 01:13:18,476 --> 01:13:20,434 I'm gonna be there to cheer for you at your next swim meet. 977 01:13:20,478 --> 01:13:21,522 How does that sound? 978 01:13:21,566 --> 01:13:23,089 Yeah? 979 01:13:23,133 --> 01:13:25,526 Okay. 980 01:13:25,570 --> 01:13:27,920 Hey, is it weird to see me after all this time? 981 01:13:27,964 --> 01:13:28,921 Or no? 982 01:13:28,965 --> 01:13:30,706 I guess it was, at first. 983 01:13:30,749 --> 01:13:33,796 - Okay. -I thought you might be different. 984 01:13:33,839 --> 01:13:37,103 But you're just the same old Nic. 985 01:13:59,647 --> 01:14:02,781 - That was a great weekend. - Mm-hmm. 986 01:14:56,008 --> 01:14:58,837 Go, Nic! 987 01:15:26,256 --> 01:15:28,824 Bye, Nic! Bye, Nic! 988 01:15:28,867 --> 01:15:31,087 Bye, Nic! 989 01:15:53,587 --> 01:15:55,894 One day at a time, man. 990 01:15:55,938 --> 01:15:57,504 Congratulations. Welcome to the real world. 991 01:15:57,548 --> 01:15:59,376 Oh, I don't want to live in the real world. 992 01:15:59,419 --> 01:16:01,030 I'm so sick of living in it. 993 01:16:01,073 --> 01:16:02,553 - -That's your disease talking to you, man. 994 01:16:02,596 --> 01:16:04,076 - Oh, I'm trying. - By trying to isolate you. 995 01:16:04,120 --> 01:16:05,686 Trying to kill you. You know this, man. 996 01:16:05,730 --> 01:16:07,558 I don't feel like I have a disease, Spencer. 997 01:16:07,601 --> 01:16:09,386 I feel like... 998 01:16:09,429 --> 01:16:12,476 - Well, you got to. -This isn't like fucking cancer. 999 01:16:12,519 --> 01:16:15,827 This is my fucking choice. I put myself here. 1000 01:16:15,871 --> 01:16:17,481 Yeah, you did. You did put yourself there. 1001 01:16:17,524 --> 01:16:19,222 Are you gonna let me talk or what? 1002 01:16:19,265 --> 01:16:22,225 Okay? Like, you're a writer, right? So write. 1003 01:16:22,268 --> 01:16:24,575 You're good at it. This is your day. This is a choice. 1004 01:16:24,618 --> 01:16:26,316 - What do you want to do now? - Fucking... 1005 01:16:26,359 --> 01:16:28,057 Once you get high, you lose all your choices. 1006 01:16:28,100 --> 01:16:29,841 - If you get high, you lose everything. -Right. 1007 01:16:29,885 --> 01:16:32,713 All right, so you got to keep choosing the right way. 1008 01:16:35,281 --> 01:16:37,240 - Right. - That's right. 1009 01:16:37,283 --> 01:16:39,068 You choose the right way. 1010 01:16:39,111 --> 01:16:40,591 Right. All right, hey, listen, 1011 01:16:40,634 --> 01:16:42,114 I'm gonna give you a call later, all right? 1012 01:16:42,158 --> 01:16:43,637 Uh, I-I feel like I'm gonna do all right. 1013 01:16:43,681 --> 01:16:44,943 You blowing me off now? 1014 01:16:44,987 --> 01:16:46,597 You gonna call me and waste my time? 1015 01:16:46,640 --> 01:16:48,381 Don't waste my time. I'm here for you, man. 1016 01:16:48,425 --> 01:16:49,948 You know what, look, I'm having some steaks tonight. 1017 01:16:49,992 --> 01:16:51,123 Why don't you come over for dinner. 1018 01:16:51,167 --> 01:16:52,385 - All right, I'll see you then. - You... 1019 01:16:52,429 --> 01:16:53,821 That sounds great. I'll see you then. 1020 01:16:53,865 --> 01:16:55,301 - Yo, Nic, Nic. - Yes, sir. I'll see you then. 1021 01:16:55,345 --> 01:16:57,434 - Nic... - All right, bye-bye. 1022 01:17:54,447 --> 01:17:56,493 Nic Sheff. 1023 01:17:56,536 --> 01:17:58,495 Lauren. What? 1024 01:17:58,538 --> 01:18:00,758 What are you... 1025 01:18:02,629 --> 01:18:04,327 Wow, it's been a long time. 1026 01:18:04,370 --> 01:18:05,850 What-what are you doing here? 1027 01:18:05,893 --> 01:18:08,418 Just, uh... 1028 01:18:10,289 --> 01:18:12,596 What? 1029 01:18:15,773 --> 01:18:17,340 I've been sober for a while, 1030 01:18:17,383 --> 01:18:20,430 but I'm seriously looking to party right now. 1031 01:18:43,757 --> 01:18:46,456 I got what you need. We have E, we have pills, man. 1032 01:18:46,499 --> 01:18:48,545 We have E. I told you, I told you. 1033 01:18:56,509 --> 01:18:59,295 Can you get me a cup of water and a spoon? 1034 01:18:59,338 --> 01:19:00,731 Mm-hmm. 1035 01:19:00,774 --> 01:19:03,125 All right. 1036 01:19:19,271 --> 01:19:21,665 - Mm-hmm. - All right. 1037 01:19:21,708 --> 01:19:24,320 - Here you go. - Thank you. 1038 01:19:25,321 --> 01:19:27,540 Cotton and a spoon. 1039 01:19:50,302 --> 01:19:53,131 Mmm. 1040 01:20:03,837 --> 01:20:06,057 All right, that's it. 1041 01:20:06,101 --> 01:20:08,059 That's it. 1042 01:20:17,764 --> 01:20:19,723 Wow. 1043 01:22:38,992 --> 01:22:41,125 Your call has been forwarded 1044 01:22:41,168 --> 01:22:43,127 to an automated voice messaging system. 1045 01:22:43,170 --> 01:22:44,998 At the tone, please record your message. 1046 01:22:46,348 --> 01:22:47,958 It's Dad again. 1047 01:22:48,001 --> 01:22:50,003 I feel like you might have been a little down 1048 01:22:50,047 --> 01:22:52,919 when you left, Nic, so I'm here to talk if you need to. 1049 01:22:52,963 --> 01:22:55,618 All right. 1050 01:23:07,760 --> 01:23:10,241 So you have no idea where he is? 1051 01:23:10,285 --> 01:23:12,809 Uh, Spencer told me he heard from him. 1052 01:23:12,852 --> 01:23:15,812 He was having a difficult time, but he was pulling through. 1053 01:23:15,855 --> 01:23:19,555 But, yeah, he's not at work, he's not at home. 1054 01:23:19,598 --> 01:23:21,948 - He's unreachable on his cell. - Damn it. Damn it. Vicki, 1055 01:23:21,992 --> 01:23:24,951 he left here two days ago. Why didn't you check on him? 1056 01:23:24,995 --> 01:23:27,345 You're supposed to be taking care of this kid, right? 1057 01:23:27,389 --> 01:23:28,955 What the fuck, David? 1058 01:23:28,999 --> 01:23:31,262 Who's been taking care of him the last year? 1059 01:23:31,306 --> 01:23:32,872 Well, you could've checked on him. 1060 01:23:32,916 --> 01:23:34,613 I mean, what the fuck is your problem? 1061 01:23:34,657 --> 01:23:37,181 What do you think I do all day? 1062 01:23:37,224 --> 01:23:40,576 Besides, we can't run surveillance on him 24/7. 1063 01:23:40,619 --> 01:23:43,579 I think you need to go to the police right now 1064 01:23:43,622 --> 01:23:45,581 and file a missing persons report, okay? 1065 01:23:45,624 --> 01:23:47,539 - Stop yelling at me! - No, I'm not gonna stop 1066 01:23:47,583 --> 01:23:49,846 - yelling at you, Vicki. - I hate it when you do that. 1067 01:23:49,889 --> 01:23:51,282 - Because you're just... - You're totally crazy. 1068 01:23:51,326 --> 01:23:52,718 What are you even doing there?! 1069 01:23:52,762 --> 01:23:54,590 - Fucking unfair, David! - No, no! Listen to me! 1070 01:23:54,633 --> 01:23:56,635 What are... 1071 01:23:57,636 --> 01:23:59,943 Damn. 1072 01:23:59,986 --> 01:24:02,467 Fuck! 1073 01:24:09,039 --> 01:24:10,736 Dave? 1074 01:24:10,780 --> 01:24:13,522 Could you call my phone, please? 1075 01:24:16,525 --> 01:24:18,396 What's going on? 1076 01:24:18,440 --> 01:24:20,311 He's gone. 1077 01:24:21,660 --> 01:24:24,707 How do we even know he's in I.A.? 1078 01:24:24,750 --> 01:24:27,362 I mean, he could be in San Francisco. He could be... 1079 01:24:27,405 --> 01:24:29,799 he could be in fucking Mexico, for all we know. 1080 01:24:29,842 --> 01:24:31,409 I need to go. 1081 01:24:31,453 --> 01:24:34,151 Yeah, but I need you to stay. 1082 01:24:34,194 --> 01:24:35,979 Well, Vicki can't handle it like I... 1083 01:24:36,022 --> 01:24:38,329 I don't care about Vicki. This isn't about Vicki. 1084 01:24:38,373 --> 01:24:41,985 Okay, why don't you just relax and try to be reasonable. 1085 01:24:42,028 --> 01:24:44,248 - What? You be reasonable. - I am being reasonable. 1086 01:24:44,291 --> 01:24:45,292 Is this reasonable?! 1087 01:24:45,336 --> 01:24:47,904 No! It's not! 1088 01:24:47,947 --> 01:24:49,340 How can I be?! 1089 01:24:49,384 --> 01:24:50,907 My son is out there somewhere, 1090 01:24:50,950 --> 01:24:52,561 and I don't know what he's doing! 1091 01:24:52,604 --> 01:24:54,171 I don't know how to help him! 1092 01:24:54,214 --> 01:24:56,652 You can't! 1093 01:25:07,140 --> 01:25:08,881 I can't sleep. 1094 01:25:12,929 --> 01:25:13,886 You can't sleep? 1095 01:25:13,930 --> 01:25:15,453 I can't sleep. 1096 01:25:15,497 --> 01:25:16,715 Okay. 1097 01:25:20,893 --> 01:25:22,895 Good night, Daddy. 1098 01:25:23,896 --> 01:25:25,463 Good night. 1099 01:26:02,892 --> 01:26:04,589 Let go! 1100 01:26:04,633 --> 01:26:06,286 Airplane flying! 1101 01:26:11,378 --> 01:26:13,337 Fly away! Fly! 1102 01:27:20,926 --> 01:27:22,711 No. Uh-uh. Come on, not you. Come on. -DAVID: Hold on. 1103 01:27:22,754 --> 01:27:24,495 - Get back in. Guys, come on. - Hold on. Hold on, honey. 1104 01:27:24,539 --> 01:27:26,279 - Wait. - Good dog. 1105 01:27:28,194 --> 01:27:31,458 I thought Nic was gonna be here today. 1106 01:27:31,502 --> 01:27:33,765 Uh, no. Something came up. 1107 01:27:34,766 --> 01:27:36,899 Can I call him? 1108 01:27:36,942 --> 01:27:38,901 No, no. You can't. 1109 01:27:38,944 --> 01:27:40,511 It's not gonna be possible. 1110 01:27:40,555 --> 01:27:41,599 Why not? 1111 01:27:41,643 --> 01:27:43,601 Because it's not. 1112 01:27:43,645 --> 01:27:46,430 Is Nic back on drugs again? 1113 01:29:29,881 --> 01:29:31,796 All right. 1114 01:31:13,028 --> 01:31:15,421 Come on, Jasper! Whup. 1115 01:31:26,868 --> 01:31:28,870 Yup. 1116 01:31:52,371 --> 01:31:53,459 You got it? 1117 01:31:53,503 --> 01:31:55,592 Oh, fuck. Okay. Hey, Lauren. 1118 01:31:56,811 --> 01:31:58,551 - Lauren, let's go. - What? 1119 01:31:58,595 --> 01:32:00,162 We got to go. 1120 01:32:01,859 --> 01:32:03,774 - What's going on? - Here. 1121 01:32:03,818 --> 01:32:06,472 We got to go. 1122 01:32:06,516 --> 01:32:08,518 Fine. 1123 01:32:21,923 --> 01:32:24,534 I think I just saw Nic. 1124 01:32:24,577 --> 01:32:26,318 What? 1125 01:32:26,362 --> 01:32:29,495 I think I just saw Nic and a girl running away. 1126 01:32:36,241 --> 01:32:37,808 Nic. 1127 01:32:37,852 --> 01:32:39,288 Uh, no. Stay inside. 1128 01:32:39,331 --> 01:32:41,116 - Okay. - No. 1129 01:32:41,159 --> 01:32:44,989 All right, no. Stay inside! I am not kidding, all right? 1130 01:32:45,033 --> 01:32:46,861 Stay there. 1131 01:32:49,951 --> 01:32:51,909 Okay. 1132 01:32:51,953 --> 01:32:54,564 - Shit. - Never again. 1133 01:32:54,607 --> 01:32:56,871 - It's okay. Hey. - What do we do? What do we do? 1134 01:32:56,914 --> 01:32:58,307 It's all right. 1135 01:33:03,268 --> 01:33:05,444 That was so terrible. 1136 01:33:05,488 --> 01:33:08,665 Oh, fuck! 1137 01:33:13,104 --> 01:33:15,498 Nic? Nic? Nic! 1138 01:33:17,195 --> 01:33:18,588 Oh... 1139 01:33:30,730 --> 01:33:32,689 Oh. No. No. No. 1140 01:34:48,808 --> 01:34:51,594 Come on! 1141 01:35:19,056 --> 01:35:22,277 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 1142 01:35:46,344 --> 01:35:48,085 Okay. Okay. 1143 01:35:50,348 --> 01:35:52,089 911. What is your emergency? 1144 01:35:52,133 --> 01:35:54,091 Yeah. Hi. Uh, I got a f... I'm-I'm with a friend. 1145 01:35:54,135 --> 01:35:55,440 She just O.D.'d, and, uh, 1146 01:35:55,484 --> 01:35:57,094 I need an ambulance, I need some help. 1147 01:35:57,138 --> 01:35:58,487 Sir, do you know CPR? 1148 01:35:58,530 --> 01:36:00,054 Yeah, I'm doing it right now. I just... 1149 01:36:00,097 --> 01:36:02,186 Uh, we... You-you guys, you got to send an ambulance, 1150 01:36:02,230 --> 01:36:04,406 - too, all right? - What is your location? 1151 01:36:04,449 --> 01:36:06,451 Yeah, I don't know. 1152 01:36:06,495 --> 01:36:08,105 Y-You-you guys are gonna have to trace the call. 1153 01:36:08,149 --> 01:36:09,889 Hello? 1154 01:36:09,933 --> 01:36:13,328 Hello? Sir, are you still there? 1155 01:36:13,371 --> 01:36:15,678 Sir? 1156 01:36:18,594 --> 01:36:20,117 Sir? Sir? 1157 01:36:29,039 --> 01:36:31,998 Look up. 1158 01:36:32,042 --> 01:36:33,739 Honey, look up for me. 1159 01:36:35,219 --> 01:36:38,614 Can you look up this way over here? 1160 01:36:38,657 --> 01:36:40,746 Hey, look, we're gonna need to take you to the ER. 1161 01:36:40,790 --> 01:36:42,183 I-I don't... I don't want to. I-I... 1162 01:36:42,226 --> 01:36:43,793 - We need to take you to the ER. - I'm fine. 1163 01:36:43,836 --> 01:36:45,142 She doesn't want to go to the ER. She's... 1164 01:36:45,186 --> 01:36:46,796 She's... No, she's not okay. We need to take her 1165 01:36:46,839 --> 01:36:48,189 - to the ER. - But she doesn't want to go. 1166 01:36:48,232 --> 01:36:49,929 No, sir, she needs to go! 1167 01:36:49,973 --> 01:36:51,627 Okay? 1168 01:36:51,670 --> 01:36:54,151 You have a problem with that, I can inform the police. 1169 01:36:54,195 --> 01:36:55,935 Goddamn it. 1170 01:36:55,979 --> 01:36:59,417 You're gonna come and meet me, right? 1171 01:36:59,461 --> 01:37:00,897 - Yes. Yes! - You promise? 1172 01:37:00,940 --> 01:37:03,334 I love you. 1173 01:37:03,378 --> 01:37:05,815 I love you, too. 1174 01:37:05,858 --> 01:37:07,512 - You promise you're gonna meet me? - Yes, Lauren. 1175 01:37:07,556 --> 01:37:09,601 I'll come fucking meet you. What do you want from me? 1176 01:37:09,645 --> 01:37:12,909 - Okay, okay. - Jesus fucking Christ. 1177 01:37:39,240 --> 01:37:41,633 David Sheff. 1178 01:37:41,677 --> 01:37:43,418 Hey, Dad. It's me. 1179 01:37:46,116 --> 01:37:48,597 - Nic? - Yeah. 1180 01:37:57,867 --> 01:37:59,912 Please don't hate me, Dad. 1181 01:38:01,436 --> 01:38:03,438 I know I did wrong. 1182 01:38:05,179 --> 01:38:07,224 I want to stop, but please, please, please, 1183 01:38:07,268 --> 01:38:09,095 please, please, please no rehab, all right? 1184 01:38:09,139 --> 01:38:11,968 Just let me come home. You know what? 1185 01:38:12,011 --> 01:38:15,798 I realize it's actually I... I-I need to be home. 1186 01:38:15,841 --> 01:38:20,585 You guys, you guys are gonna give me the strength to stop. 1187 01:38:20,629 --> 01:38:22,631 All right? 1188 01:38:25,503 --> 01:38:27,505 That's not going to happen. 1189 01:38:36,775 --> 01:38:39,865 I wish that I could help you, 1190 01:38:39,909 --> 01:38:41,867 but I can't do that. 1191 01:38:41,911 --> 01:38:43,652 I c... I can't. 1192 01:38:43,695 --> 01:38:45,784 Oh, please help me, Dad. 1193 01:38:47,264 --> 01:38:49,484 No, Dad. I just need a little bit of help. 1194 01:38:51,529 --> 01:38:53,618 Please help me. I want to come home. 1195 01:38:53,662 --> 01:38:56,360 All I can tell you is what you already know. 1196 01:38:56,404 --> 01:38:58,841 Dad, why aren't you fucking listening to me? 1197 01:38:58,884 --> 01:39:01,017 - Call your sponsor. - I don't want to talk 1198 01:39:01,060 --> 01:39:02,932 to my sponsor now. I want to talk to you. 1199 01:39:02,975 --> 01:39:04,890 Get help. 1200 01:39:04,934 --> 01:39:06,849 - I love you. - Dad, what... 1201 01:39:06,892 --> 01:39:09,286 And I hope that you get your life together. 1202 01:39:09,330 --> 01:39:10,896 I love you, too. 1203 01:39:10,940 --> 01:39:13,421 I love you. 1204 01:41:41,482 --> 01:41:44,310 - Hello. - Nicolas called. 1205 01:41:44,354 --> 01:41:45,747 He sounds desperate. 1206 01:41:47,052 --> 01:41:48,967 Gonna die if we don't do anything. 1207 01:41:49,011 --> 01:41:51,013 Well... 1208 01:41:51,056 --> 01:41:53,972 he's gonna die even if we do. 1209 01:41:54,016 --> 01:41:56,671 Nothing we do has any effect on him. 1210 01:42:02,633 --> 01:42:04,200 I failed. 1211 01:42:04,243 --> 01:42:05,854 I know you feel ashamed, okay? 1212 01:42:05,897 --> 01:42:08,509 So do I. 1213 01:42:08,552 --> 01:42:10,859 But you have done great, David. 1214 01:42:10,902 --> 01:42:13,818 And Karen, too, so thank you for that. 1215 01:42:13,862 --> 01:42:15,733 You were up for it when I wasn't, 1216 01:42:15,777 --> 01:42:17,648 and I'm not giving up now. 1217 01:42:18,693 --> 01:42:20,521 Never. 1218 01:42:22,218 --> 01:42:24,960 But I can't do it alone. 1219 01:42:27,919 --> 01:42:30,705 I need your help. 1220 01:42:32,968 --> 01:42:35,971 I don't think you can save people, Vicki. 1221 01:42:37,886 --> 01:42:41,280 You can be there for them, can't you? 1222 01:42:45,110 --> 01:42:47,286 Look at this. 1223 01:42:52,422 --> 01:42:54,337 I'm done. 1224 01:42:54,380 --> 01:42:56,557 - Oh. - Okay? I... 1225 01:42:56,600 --> 01:42:59,603 Okay. 1226 01:43:33,245 --> 01:43:35,247 Hey, everybody. 1227 01:43:35,291 --> 01:43:37,989 Time to get together. 1228 01:43:50,480 --> 01:43:54,615 I... I had a rough week. 1229 01:43:57,052 --> 01:43:58,793 Some of you know, some of you don't. 1230 01:43:58,836 --> 01:44:00,490 I, um... 1231 01:44:00,534 --> 01:44:02,579 I lost my Frances this week. 1232 01:44:02,623 --> 01:44:05,756 She died of an overdose on Sunday. 1233 01:44:05,800 --> 01:44:07,889 So... 1234 01:44:07,932 --> 01:44:11,893 I guess I'm in mourning, but I-I... 1235 01:44:11,936 --> 01:44:14,330 I realized something else. 1236 01:44:14,373 --> 01:44:18,421 I've actually been in mourning for years. 1237 01:44:20,510 --> 01:44:22,730 'Cause even when she was alive, she... 1238 01:44:22,773 --> 01:44:25,297 she wasn't there. 1239 01:44:25,341 --> 01:44:29,606 When you mourn the living, 1240 01:44:29,650 --> 01:44:32,522 that's a hard way to live. 1241 01:44:34,524 --> 01:44:37,005 And so, in... 1242 01:44:37,048 --> 01:44:39,268 in a way, it's-it's... 1243 01:44:39,311 --> 01:44:41,400 it's better, I guess. 1244 01:44:45,579 --> 01:44:51,149 She was a dear, dear young woman. 1245 01:44:53,108 --> 01:44:55,284 I always felt... 1246 01:44:55,327 --> 01:44:57,895 I needed to... to stay strong, 1247 01:44:57,939 --> 01:45:01,333 that there'd be some future event, 1248 01:45:01,377 --> 01:45:03,988 and I'd... I'd need all my strength for it. 1249 01:45:07,601 --> 01:45:10,081 But there are no events after this one. 1250 01:45:10,125 --> 01:45:13,650 I hope she's not in pain now. 1251 01:45:20,352 --> 01:45:22,354 Bye, Frances. 1252 01:47:19,471 --> 01:47:21,735 Hey. 1253 01:47:21,778 --> 01:47:23,954 Hi. 1254 01:47:33,224 --> 01:47:34,791 How's he doing? 1255 01:47:34,835 --> 01:47:37,054 The doctor's with him now. 1256 01:47:38,664 --> 01:47:40,449 He said it's close to a miracle 1257 01:47:40,492 --> 01:47:43,452 Nic survived with all the drugs in his body. 1258 01:54:43,176 --> 01:54:45,003 "Either peace or happiness, 1259 01:54:45,047 --> 01:54:46,875 "let it enfold you. 1260 01:54:46,918 --> 01:54:49,878 "When I was a young man, I felt that these things 1261 01:54:49,921 --> 01:54:52,359 "were dumb, unsophisticated. 1262 01:54:52,402 --> 01:54:54,622 "I had bad blood, a twisted mind, 1263 01:54:54,665 --> 01:54:56,754 "a precarious upbringing. 1264 01:54:56,798 --> 01:54:58,408 "I was hard as granite. 1265 01:54:58,452 --> 01:55:00,323 "I leered at the sun. 1266 01:55:00,367 --> 01:55:03,805 "I trusted no man and especially no woman. 1267 01:55:03,848 --> 01:55:06,199 "I was living a hell in small rooms. 1268 01:55:06,242 --> 01:55:07,939 "I broke things, smashed things, 1269 01:55:07,983 --> 01:55:10,551 "walked through glass, cursed. 1270 01:55:10,594 --> 01:55:12,205 "I challenged everything, 1271 01:55:12,248 --> 01:55:14,424 "was continually being evicted, jailed, 1272 01:55:14,468 --> 01:55:17,210 "in and out of fights, in and out of my mind. 1273 01:55:17,253 --> 01:55:19,647 "Women were something to screw and rail at. 1274 01:55:19,690 --> 01:55:21,779 "I had no male friends. 1275 01:55:21,823 --> 01:55:23,912 "I changed jobs and cities. 1276 01:55:23,955 --> 01:55:26,610 "I hated holidays, babies, history, 1277 01:55:26,654 --> 01:55:29,265 "newspapers, museums, grandmothers, 1278 01:55:29,309 --> 01:55:32,312 "marriage, movies, spiders, garbagemen, 1279 01:55:32,355 --> 01:55:36,229 "English accents, Spain, France, Italy, 1280 01:55:36,272 --> 01:55:38,970 "walnuts and the color orange. 1281 01:55:39,014 --> 01:55:40,842 "Algebra angered me. 1282 01:55:40,885 --> 01:55:42,800 "Opera sickened me. 1283 01:55:42,844 --> 01:55:44,889 "Charlie Chaplin was a fake. 1284 01:55:44,933 --> 01:55:47,065 "And flowers were for pansies. 1285 01:55:47,109 --> 01:55:50,460 "Peace and happiness were to me signs of inferiority, 1286 01:55:50,504 --> 01:55:53,289 "tenants of the weak and addled mind. 1287 01:55:53,333 --> 01:55:55,900 "But as I went on with my alley fights, 1288 01:55:55,944 --> 01:55:57,467 "my suicidal years, 1289 01:55:57,511 --> 01:55:59,426 "my passage through any number of women, 1290 01:55:59,469 --> 01:56:02,951 "it gradually began to occur to me that I wasn't different 1291 01:56:02,994 --> 01:56:05,040 "from the others, I was the same. 1292 01:56:05,083 --> 01:56:06,998 "They were all fulsome with hatred, 1293 01:56:07,042 --> 01:56:09,392 "glossed over with petty grievances. 1294 01:56:09,436 --> 01:56:12,047 "The men I fought in alleys had hearts of stone. 1295 01:56:12,090 --> 01:56:14,049 "Everybody was nudging, inching, 1296 01:56:14,092 --> 01:56:16,921 "cheating for some insignificant advantage. 1297 01:56:16,965 --> 01:56:20,098 "The lie was the weapon, and the plot was empty. 1298 01:56:20,142 --> 01:56:22,362 "Darkness was the dictator. 1299 01:56:22,405 --> 01:56:25,800 "Cautiously, I allowed myself to feel good at times. 1300 01:56:25,843 --> 01:56:27,758 "I found moments of peace in cheap rooms 1301 01:56:27,802 --> 01:56:30,805 "just staring at the knobs of some dresser 1302 01:56:30,848 --> 01:56:33,155 "or listening to the rain in the dark. 1303 01:56:33,198 --> 01:56:36,158 "The less I needed, the better I felt. 1304 01:56:36,201 --> 01:56:38,073 "Maybe the other life had worn me down. 1305 01:56:38,116 --> 01:56:39,770 "I no longer found glamour 1306 01:56:39,814 --> 01:56:42,164 "in topping somebody in conversation 1307 01:56:42,207 --> 01:56:45,428 "or in mounting the body of some poor, drunken female 1308 01:56:45,472 --> 01:56:47,952 "whose life had slipped away into sorrow. 1309 01:56:47,996 --> 01:56:49,911 "I could never accept life as it was. 1310 01:56:49,954 --> 01:56:52,740 "I could never gobble down all its poisons. 1311 01:56:52,783 --> 01:56:55,046 "But there were parts, tenuous magic parts, 1312 01:56:55,090 --> 01:56:57,048 "open for the asking. 1313 01:56:57,092 --> 01:56:58,615 "I reformulated. 1314 01:56:58,659 --> 01:57:00,661 "I don't know when... date, time, all that... 1315 01:57:00,704 --> 01:57:02,315 "but the change occurred. 1316 01:57:02,358 --> 01:57:05,666 "Something in me relaxed, smoothed out. 1317 01:57:05,709 --> 01:57:07,972 "I no longer had to prove that I was a man. 1318 01:57:08,016 --> 01:57:09,713 "I didn't have to prove anything. 1319 01:57:09,757 --> 01:57:11,498 "I began to see things. 1320 01:57:11,541 --> 01:57:14,239 "Coffee cups lined up behind a counter in a cafe. 1321 01:57:14,283 --> 01:57:16,720 "Or a dog walking along a sidewalk. 1322 01:57:16,764 --> 01:57:18,679 "Or the way the mouse on my dresser top 1323 01:57:18,722 --> 01:57:20,724 "stopped there, really stopped there, 1324 01:57:20,768 --> 01:57:22,857 "with its body, its ears, its nose. 1325 01:57:22,900 --> 01:57:26,730 "It was fixed, a bit of life caught within itself, 1326 01:57:26,774 --> 01:57:30,560 "and its eyes looked at me, and they were beautiful. 1327 01:57:30,604 --> 01:57:32,649 "Then it was gone. 1328 01:57:32,693 --> 01:57:34,521 "I began to feel good. 1329 01:57:34,564 --> 01:57:37,045 "I began to feel good in the worst situations, 1330 01:57:37,088 --> 01:57:38,786 "and there were plenty of those. 1331 01:57:38,829 --> 01:57:41,832 "Like, say, the boss behind his desk. 1332 01:57:41,876 --> 01:57:43,965 "He is going to have to fire me. 1333 01:57:44,008 --> 01:57:45,749 "I've missed too many days. 1334 01:57:45,793 --> 01:57:49,057 "He's dressed in a suit, necktie, glasses. 1335 01:57:49,100 --> 01:57:51,842 "He says, 'I am going to have to let you go.' 1336 01:57:51,886 --> 01:57:53,627 "'It's all right, ' I tell him. 1337 01:57:53,670 --> 01:57:55,106 "He must do what he must do. 1338 01:57:55,150 --> 01:57:57,065 "He has a wife, a house, children, 1339 01:57:57,108 --> 01:58:00,285 "expenses, most probably a girlfriend. 1340 01:58:00,329 --> 01:58:01,765 "I'm sorry for him. 1341 01:58:01,809 --> 01:58:03,419 "He's caught. 1342 01:58:03,463 --> 01:58:05,073 "I walk out into the blazing sunshine. 1343 01:58:05,116 --> 01:58:07,858 "The whole day is mine, temporarily anyhow. 1344 01:58:07,902 --> 01:58:10,470 "The whole world is at the throat of the world. 1345 01:58:10,513 --> 01:58:13,429 "Everybody feels angry, short-changed, cheated. 1346 01:58:13,473 --> 01:58:16,171 "Everybody is despondent, disillusioned. 1347 01:58:16,214 --> 01:58:19,348 "I welcomed shots of peace, tattered shards of happiness. 1348 01:58:19,392 --> 01:58:21,742 "I embraced that stuff like the hottest number, 1349 01:58:21,785 --> 01:58:24,658 "like high heels, breasts, singing, the works. 1350 01:58:24,701 --> 01:58:26,224 "Don't get me wrong, 1351 01:58:26,268 --> 01:58:27,965 "there is such a thing as cockeyed optimism 1352 01:58:28,009 --> 01:58:29,402 "that overlooks all basic problems 1353 01:58:29,445 --> 01:58:30,881 "just for the sake of itself. 1354 01:58:30,925 --> 01:58:33,144 "This is a shield and a sickness. 1355 01:58:33,188 --> 01:58:35,190 "The knife got near my throat again. 1356 01:58:35,233 --> 01:58:37,105 "I almost turned on the gas again. 1357 01:58:37,148 --> 01:58:39,107 "But when the good moments arrived again, 1358 01:58:39,150 --> 01:58:41,239 "I didn't fight them off like an alley adversary. 1359 01:58:41,283 --> 01:58:43,720 "I let them take me. I luxuriated in them. 1360 01:58:43,764 --> 01:58:45,548 "I bade them welcome home. 1361 01:58:45,592 --> 01:58:47,202 "I even looked into the mirror once 1362 01:58:47,245 --> 01:58:50,248 "having thought myself to be ugly. 1363 01:58:50,292 --> 01:58:52,294 "I now liked what I saw. 1364 01:58:52,337 --> 01:58:53,991 "Almost handsome. 1365 01:58:54,035 --> 01:58:56,211 "Yes, a bit ripped and ragged. 1366 01:58:56,254 --> 01:58:58,387 "Scars, lumps, odd turns. 1367 01:58:58,431 --> 01:59:00,476 "But all in all, not too bad. 1368 01:59:00,520 --> 01:59:02,347 "Almost handsome. 1369 01:59:02,391 --> 01:59:04,437 "Better at least than some of those movie star faces 1370 01:59:04,480 --> 01:59:06,177 "like the cheeks of a baby's butt. 1371 01:59:06,221 --> 01:59:07,701 "And finally I discovered 1372 01:59:07,744 --> 01:59:10,051 "real feelings for others, unheralded. 1373 01:59:10,094 --> 01:59:11,922 "Like lately, like this morning, 1374 01:59:11,966 --> 01:59:15,448 "as I was leaving for the track, I saw my wife in bed, 1375 01:59:15,491 --> 01:59:17,319 "just the shape of her head there, 1376 01:59:17,362 --> 01:59:20,931 "covers pulled high, just the shape of her head there. 1377 01:59:20,975 --> 01:59:23,368 "Not forgetting centuries of the living and the dead 1378 01:59:23,412 --> 01:59:25,196 "and the dying, the pyramids, 1379 01:59:25,240 --> 01:59:27,721 "Mozart dead, but his music still there in the room, 1380 01:59:27,764 --> 01:59:29,505 "weeds growing, the Earth turning, 1381 01:59:29,549 --> 01:59:31,638 "the tote board waiting for me. 1382 01:59:31,681 --> 01:59:33,422 "I saw the shape of my wife's head, 1383 01:59:33,466 --> 01:59:34,858 "she so still. 1384 01:59:34,902 --> 01:59:36,381 "I ached for her life, 1385 01:59:36,425 --> 01:59:38,079 "just being there under the covers. 1386 01:59:38,122 --> 01:59:39,646 "I kissed her on the forehead, 1387 01:59:39,689 --> 01:59:41,430 "got down the stairway, got outside, 1388 01:59:41,474 --> 01:59:43,911 "got into my marvelous car, fixed the seat belt, 1389 01:59:43,954 --> 01:59:45,390 "backed out the drive. 1390 01:59:45,434 --> 01:59:47,218 "Feeling warm to the fingertips, 1391 01:59:47,262 --> 01:59:50,047 "down to my foot on the gas pedal, 1392 01:59:50,091 --> 01:59:52,006 "I entered the world once more, 1393 01:59:52,049 --> 01:59:54,095 "drove down the hill past the houses 1394 01:59:54,138 --> 01:59:55,923 "full and empty of people. 1395 01:59:55,966 --> 01:59:58,403 "I saw the mailman, honked. 1396 01:59:58,447 --> 02:00:00,841 He waved back at me."